Pneity

A place to tell the world that I lack any and all belief in myself. A place to report how much I look down on myself. I lack the ability to learn. I lack the ability to do the things I used to be good at. I'm losing everything in my mild age. Japanese is an insurmountable wall. C# has been defeating me for the last year. Even at work, a thing I can do as naturally as I breathe, I feel like every day is a new surprise at how bad I can be at it.

I'm tired. I'm tired of life and I'm tired of myself. I don't want to be around me, I can see why others don't want to be around me, too. I've become insufferable and dejected. Stupid. I truly give nothing back and deserve worse than I have.

I'm thankful I can say that here.

I'm getting crushed at work this week. The long Thanksgiving weekend was too good! I knew it would be! I actually felt relaxed for the first time all year. I'm paying for it now, though. I'm being crushed through The Machine today. Working two escalated cases at once. One is smaller, but frustrating and difficult. Three of our top techs stumped by a silly patient research thing. When you're new to the job, patient research is really hard. When you've done it for a decade, it becomes really easy because there are rarely any surprises. It's a very closed system. Not this time. Totally unexplainable behaviour.

The other one is where I told the client, confidently, as possibly the only remaining subject matter expect on that application, that they were reading the problem wrong and provided them an explanation. The explanation was not enough. They told me I was underestimating the problem. So now I'm making it everyone's problem. I'll probably have to loop back around on it in the morning.

Morning will come. But tonight, I get to see some friends for a nice dinner.

I took Monday and the first half of Tuesday off of work, burning the last of my non-carryover paid time off for the year. With yesterday being my first day back, I got sleepy really early. Went to bed around 9:30 PM. Today, I had late lunch and all I can imagine right now is going to bed. I've never been this tired this later into the afternoon.

In a half hour, I may be asleep.

It's that weird time of the year where for a few days, the low winter sun shines through the basement window for a few minutes every evening around 3:15 PM. Only lasts a few days then I forget about it for another year.

Sun alignment is a thing I have too many funny stories for, I don't even understand how things like this keep coming up for me.

I'm getting sappy over this. I hope when it happens next year, things are ok. I have a lot of hope fighting against a lot of fear.

I'm on a very hopeless on-call shift for work. One customer is down a major feature and they were extremely rude in how they relayed the initial information to me. It's been about five hours now, researching, giving that information to the escalation resource, convincing that escalation resource where the problem is, jumping through hoops for him on a test system while he escalated it further. Most importantly, three hours of waiting for escalated resources to wake up and help us.

While I'm waiting, played a bunch of Palworld and browsed the three websites I ever visit these days (Bluesky, Mastodon, and a buddy of mine's Lemmy server). There's this meme that keeps circulating and I know I've seen it in previous years, but bsky is so desperate for content and full of people who don't know how to post it's really going nuts this year.

The meme is where you post two pictures. First represents how you felt at the start of 2024 and the second is how you felt here at the end. It's a trash engagement meme; one that I feel is really necessary to get that platform going with any amount of steam right now. But it's impossible to get into it because I don't believe a single post of it. You're telling me you went into 2024 with any amount of hope? You knew it was an election year. You knew covid didn't go anywhere. You knew you would continue to writhe in the misery that has built up over these last years.

I knew where I stood from day one. I haven't had actual hope for anything in years, especially when I was staring down 2024. Maybe I'm even in a better spot mentally than I was at the beginning of the year because I don't think I'd completely given up yet.

But I have now. Nothing matters. It'll be over when it's over. I genuinely hope mine is coming. I'm too tired to keep up. Everything I love is rotting away in my fingers.