Pneity

Today, I was supposed to spend the day writing papers and getting school stuff knocked out of the way. Instead, I drank last night playing Rocket League with Cory and friends. I drank and drank, and played and played. I played my heart out. I went to bed late. I woke up earlier than I expected, later than I should have. 12:30 PM or so, if I recall. I've spent the day in a procrastinatory fog. I don't want to do the work. I don't want to be in school. But what alternative have I got?

What it's been boiling down to is, I was really enjoying the endless field of relaxation that my life became over the last several years. Finally being caught up on debts, and only taking on new ones when I knew I had shit handled. And now, I'm facing the reality of my situation in its fullest. There will be a bit over two years of full time university ahead of me. Tuition reimbursement through work will kick in (hopefully) at the end of this year, and I'll be rocking that two year requirement after graduation. So, 5 years in total before I can properly be in Japan. Everything in my life right now is pursuing that goal.

What sucks the most is that there is no way to cut through the slog of what is currently my daily life. I love my job for the first time in a while. I'm respected there, and generally good at it. I don't have problems doing what I do and I feel I earn my wage. However, at the same time and on the same note, adding being a full time student to that has worn on my psyche. I don't give myself time to live anymore. I don't take the time to relax. I mean, I do relax, but it's in a marred and strange form of procrastination.

I'm procrastinating right now, in fact. I should be writing a paper. But I really hate research papers and I would rather be doing anything. I enjoy writing like this. Here in a place where nobody will ever care to read. (I want to take this moment to point out the irony of keeping somewhat private thoughts here on this public website. Is a public blog still public if nobody gives a shit?) In the IT profession I have lived for the last 12 years, I've made it my duty to document my activities in as brief a manner as possible for simplicity's sake. I can't pad a 5 page research paper anymore. I understand that I need to do this to pass the classes. But I just don't want to.

If I weigh the difference between passing these classes, obtaining my goal to eventually move to Japan, I'm doing this damn paper. But fuck me, I'll probably be dead before I'm 35 anyway.

It's that time again. Last week, I wrote a three page source analysis on a topic I didn't really understand. This week, I needed to write a 5 page paper on Shinto religion. I haven't started writing it yet. But I've got finals starting in 12 hours, so it will wait for a bit, ya know? Other than that, I'm working night shifts. We have a client in the UK who needs constant monitoring so it's completely interrupted my ability to keep up on that research. That's partially a lie. That monitored system blew up a bit, so it needed to be looked at by people more important than I. So, I'm not actually busy right now. But I just can't motivate properly at this time. I'm gonna give that thing hell tomorrow, though. Two hours from now, I'll be in bed. Sleeping peacefully. It'll be 7:30, and the sun will still be down. We're in the darkest time of the year right now. According to my weather app from my phone, we have nine hours and nineteen minutes of daylight today. I'm hoping for a time I live somewhere with a bit more sun and much better weather. On that note, I have decided that I want to bear the burden of my student loans myself, since the school is jerking me around with my paperwork. They say I need to follow their official format to make it work, and my work is asking questions my school is not really providing answers to. Oh well. I've stepped up my course load for next semester and I'm still gonna kick it's ass. More info in four days, when grades are turned in.

It's after finals and I'm drunk as fuck. I spent the evening regretting my past along with Cory and Nick. Kraken and honesty did me in. RIP me. I truly meant everything I said, though. Tomorrow is another day of Pathfinder. I'll eventually forget that tonight was my first night off school and work together and I'm totally ok with that. I realize his many regrets I've got about life thus far, but we'll see how far I get. I'm imagining reading this ten years from now all the time and I'm picturing how irrelevant all thIs is, just like the junk I wrote a decade ago. I'm embarrassed as shit about all that, despite it being so genuine. I'm afraid of myself.

2015 was the worst year of my life. By the end, I sought to make it better. By the time 2016 rolled around, things were awesome. And as the year went on, I did make it better. Around summertime, I got a bit down and took a spontaneous trip to Florida to clear the mind and soul. Went great. That was my high point thus far. That 22 hour ride home was pure therapy. I got home and immediately started moving towards Otakon and hitting the books, starting back at school. Otakon was a huge success but August through November of this year felt like a hundred lifetimes. When I got to the other side of it, it was a relief but I'm still not sure if it was worth it. We'll see if and when I finish all this off. Good riddance, 2016. I have no belief that 2017 is going to be a good year. Guess I don't care either way, because I'll keep with it.