Pneity

I almost can't believe I'm picking this up again. I have come to despise writing, especially about the mediocre things in my life to the point where i dread doing them. I procrastinate on something that is supposed to be pleasurable. So that is why you don't see blog updates these days. While each day seems mediocre somehow on its own, when compiled over the course of a few months, or years, I realized I've missed out on documenting my feelings during the most important stages of my life. I moved away from home in September. Cory got me a job in Wexford, so we moved in together here in Allison Park. Third story apartment in a state park. Who could ask for more, right? Things should have been looking up. I'd only ever leave home for a sure thing. I don't believe in sure things anymore. I couldn't explain my problem, and I can't describe it too well beyond it's that old Strickler curse Mr. C said I had in college. That whenever I get involved with computer, things go wrong. Everything I touch turns to tarnished brass. My boss has been so throroughly unimpressed by me that he and Cory talk about me when I'm not around, and sometimes when I am around. About how disappointing I've been and how I don't deserve what I feel I'm working hard for. And the worst part of the whole thing is, I can see what they're talking about. When the server inexplicably stops understanding a CD drive right before being installed, or when the raid array wipes itself clean just for having a disk in the tray during a reboot. Or when I spend two days trying to run three cat5 cables through the office, and fail to do two of them. I do not at all live up to my resume, yet I have all the skills and knowledge I'd ever need to succeed. I don't know where things went wrong. But in the end, I still have a job, and cannot make ends meet because I did not earn my raise after three months at the company. Before moving, Nick was living at my house with my parents. Things were nice. I always had a friend there, sharing my interests, someone to game with me and laugh with me at stupid youtube videos and flash movies. I hooked him up with Chris (my roomate from college) so they moved in together right around the way from where I live now. Unfortunately, they clashed pretty bad and Chris kicked Nick out. After a lot of drama, Nick and Chris both stopped talking to me, for what seemed like no reason. Cory told Chris that the friendship was causing me stress because of having to choose sides with Nick and Nick just refused to get on AOL to talk to me, what since I can't afford a phone. I did see Nick recently, though, and he's still cool. I think I might be one of the few people who see his good side. Everyone else I've ever introduced him to have only seen his bad side. Except Fox. She likes him just fine. Christmas just passed. Very eventful. Exactly two weeks ago, Fox and I consumated our relationship for the first time. And quite spontaneously. We're blissfully happy with each other, but sadly, only see each other once a week. We spend the night at each other's houses, and enjoy lots of cuddle time when not managing our Warcraft guild. That's about all I do in my free time these days, but I like it like this. Friends stay at a distance since they're still in Belle Vernon. I see them on the sparse few weekends I get to go home to see everyone. I sit up here and play Team Fortress and WoW. I don't go out, I don't have any real fun anymore. Except on those weekends. Weekends are my opium. They are completely counter-productive to my making ends meet and getting things done, but they're all I have anymore. That's what made this weekend so special. Wednesday, Christmas Eve, I had an install at a tax office for work, then I got out at 1 PM. I headed home, ate, packed a few days worth of clothes, then was off. I spent two amazing days with my family, playing WoW, visiting with Tommy (my brother from Chicago), his twin boys, and other family. We Christmassed Thursday. Casey got me a force fx lightsaber, and I faught her new husband, Mike as he arrived to the party. I got lots of nice clothes for work along with my new shiny toy. My family loves me, and I love them to death. I got my sister a country CD, my dad a comedy CD, and my mom a video Chad, Joey, and I recorded the night before of us dancing to the YMCA by the Village People. That same day, I decided that's what we had to do so, on a whim, we got together and recorded it in Chad's grandma's basement during their annual Christmas Eve gettogether. Everyone loved that one. Friday, after some waiting around, I picked Fox up to go to Chad's for the night. We were having a gaming party like we did the weekend before and had so much fun doing. And this time, we had fun too. But things ended earlier, at 2:30 AM. We got back to Fox's and crashed after installing the Wrath expansion on our laptops. The next day, we ate Sheetz food, and waited around her place for some alone time before heading to Nick's birthday party. His party was fun, too. More gaming, Unreal, Wii, and pool. Fox and I played a lot of WoW that night. Haha. We crashed on his love seat, spooned together all cute like. As uncomfortable as it is to fit me on something that small with another person, I couldn't have been happier. That morning, we were woken up by Joey leaving for law school again, and watched half the Steelers vs. Browns game at Nicks, then the other half at my parents' house. After some holiday goodbyes, I took Fox home, spent a bit of time with her and her brother, then headed back home. It's weird what got me in the mood for all this writing. Knowing tomorrow, I have to wake up and troubleshoot a server that has been giving me grief since I started working at Secura. I hate this server. It's always giving me problems, and I can't ever figure out why it gives the random errors that it does. But I digress. I played some WoW while relaxing here, and had some guild drama take place. I got more upset at a guy leaving my guild than I did when my friends stopped talking to me. I was choked up. It sucked. But I guess I'll get over that, like I've had to get over everything else. Later this week, I'll be going out looking for a second job. The time on my horizon looks ever so lovely. Two jobs, less chance to see Fox than ever, less chance to see my friends. I'll be more isolated than ever. Scary part is, I know the worst is yet to come. For as bad as things have been for me, I know I have something waiting around the corner. A question bugging me right now, though, is, has 2008 been better to me than 2007 was? I'd say most definitely, but by how much? Not a lot. I look at all that went wrong this year and I could cry. Working 7 months at Wendy's, Andrew's betrayal, Nick and Chris' betrayal, Cory's betrayal, my poor performance at work despite my best efforts and shining personality in the face of various adversity, losing the Tracker, getting a moneypit of a new car that I hate, leaving my home and my home town for a place that has no soul, and of course, leaving all the good times I was having before moving and spending time with those I love. I still have so much love in my heart for everyone, but it's a bit rare for me to feel it back. Over this weekend, everyone was so openly loving and happy, I clung to it. I clung hard. I don't want to lose that for another random amount of time. I want that all year around. It makes me miss old times so much. High school really was the best time of my life. I knew it was, but I was always so optimisic about the future. I wanted the future to come so fast and so bad. I was a fool. I had everything. And it's all stuck in memories. Reminesing with Joey and Chad, Chad's family, and Nick. It's been dark, dark times lately. I'm sitting here crying wanting something good to come around. A little less stress, and more opportunities to show those in my life that they matter more. I want to spend time showing them how awesome they are and how much they've pulled me through dark times in the past, and are pulling me through now. I think I've begun to ramble now. I'm losing form and starting to write from the heart. When I do that, I get redundant. So I'll leave at this. Merry Christmas. I got a lot of amazing things this year, and greedy me, I still want the one thing I continually ask for. Structure in a life I see as worthwhile. No traveling two hours to see the ones I love. No sitting alone in the dark, praying that God help me manage to pay my bills on time. I want to know my family is safe, and if they need me, I can be there for them. My heart is completely broken, and yet I still have and get so much love. I just feel stranded most of the time. While I'm putting it in writing, I feel the need to let everyone know, this has been where I've been and what I want for my future. My future has changed, and I certainly didn't picture things being like this two years ago. In to years, I'm going to read this entry and either laugh my ass of or cry until I can't think anymore. Which will it be, though? I'm scared to death to know the answer to that.