Pneity

In the past few years, I've noticed patterns in my mood. I am currently in what I have lovingly called "The Void." I go through a period where things are looking up and I have energy to push through any obstacle. Then The Void kicks in and I lose myself, I lose the things I enjoy passing my time with, and I lose my happiness. I start feeling bad about everything. I'm there right now. I have been for two weeks. No games are fun. Only long-form Youtube videos can hold my interest, even if they don't bite into that joy any further. I watch those and scroll through endless lists of games I don't want to play. My soul demands distraction but I find none.

The Void is accompanied with a fixation. I have dreamed of a few games that would hold my interest but do not exist. Back in 2016, I tried making a game that was to fill that void but I got frustrated and went back to school instead. Ironically, I am now better equipped to approach a project like that but The Void does not encourage study and learning.

I've been on the move for the last two months straight. I work my four days Sunday night through Thursday morning, then whatever plan awaits me takes my whole weekend. Car shows, visiting friends, out of state friends, Halloween parties at Jim's... it's been exhausting and I think it's feeding The Void. But this weekend, I turned down friends in Ohio, I turned down an invitation to what is probably the last available car show to me. I'm relaxing, dammit.

Late last week, I decided to re-watch what I called my favorite anime for most of my life, Last Exile. I haven't watched it in so long, I kind of forgot what drew me to it so much. Made in Abyss had sort of dethroned it in my heart of hearts. So re-watch it I did. I watched the original series and it struck every nerve it did back in the day. I love that series. It starts perfect, introduces an amazing world, and shows us brilliant characters. I transitioned straight into the second season earlier this week. I didn't want to just binge it so I broke it into 4 episodes per sitting. I'm glad I did, it gave me more time to take it all in.

Fam, the Silver Wing hits different. It's a full on sequel despite what some people will rhetorically disagree with. They are wrong. All characters who survived the original series are present, but the story does not focus in on the old main characters. It tells a story of new characters and a new world. The new world is directly related to the old one; I swear it makes sense. The story itself is very stressful for two reasons. The main one is that the bad guys are totally fine with murdering entire nations and armies. There is so much death in that anime it's hard to contend with. Even after the fourth episode, it's hard to even imagine what a victory for the good guys looks like because their entire nation is destroyed. The second point that sticks with me is that all the ultra-fascist bad guys who are doing all this killing are supposed to be sympathetic characters. They are meant to be shown doing what they believe is best for the world and the good guys want to absolve them of all responsibility along the way. It's bad. It's so bad.

But it's done. I finished both seasons and now I don't have any direction to distract me. My dad is very sick. He's in his third week of cancer treatment and is feeling like hell all the time. We have such good heart to hearts and he's keeping a good spirit through the pain. Whether we lose him to this or if I just abandon the whole family and move across the world, I'm going to miss those heart to heart conversations so much. I want to play guitar with him again.

I just lost my job. I've had it for 12 years. Financial hardships and economic downturn, they cited. Twelve. Years. Gone. I was stressed before. I don't even know what I am now.

I am speedrunning new experiences this month. It's not a good thing. I was laid off a week and a half ago. I took it in stride but there was a combined panic and relief. The job that killed my soul was gone. It wasn't my problem to fix broken IT systems anymore. But it was also my supply of stability in my day to day. It kept me fed. Now that it's gone, I'm running down a thread and while my bank account is comfortable for now, student loans come due very soon. So I have more time to relax but I'm running around like crazy getting my affairs in order. I've managed to stay busier while unemployed than when I was working 40 a week.

I reunited with a childhood friend who I lost when we moved at the age of eight last summer. Some odd things put us back together on Facebook messenger. What we didn't realize is that we were both car guys and would see each other at every other car show for the next two years. It worked out in a cool way because he's extremely technical with cars and rebuilds them for fun. He took a look at my Levin and about 89 cents later, the oil leak was fixed. Was a nice November Saturday in the sun. A few days later, I even got to deliver a car-show friend my old winter tires I won't be needing anymore.

The weather cooperated so well for a while. Fall hang on with such nice weather until last weekend. Now it's cold again. Gonna be cold for a while.

The beginning of my first week of unemployment, I was invited to see a concert. It was a show I'd been aware of but wasn't planning to go to because I wasn't sure I'd be around. Then, I was looking at my bank account and trying not to spend. A friend reached out and said there was an extra ticket. The day before the show, I was invited again by another friend who was going anyway.

Saturday rolled around, I showed up in Pittsburgh. Schaffer the Darklord, MC Lars, and I Fight Dragons. All acts I'd seen before but it had been a long while and I was ready to go. Arrived, met with my old roommate and dear friend Cory on the way in. I told him to hold on a few, I had to meet my other friend group who had a table spot for me. Lucky, it was a six chair table and Cory was able to join the other three. Matt, Courtney, and Ron were already in a good vibe. Everyone was getting along so well and it was a great time.

The show itself was perfection. I love all three acts but this one was neat. Schaffer referenced some music I'd never thought I'd hear in public. After the show, we talked about it at his merch table and I sang a song from that album with him while he sold me some merch. Lars was cool because I made a suggestion to his guessing game and while I didn't get it right, he gave me a cassette tape of a recent album of his. One I love. Then, I Fight Dragons got to hear my silly story about me knowing all the lyrics to Chicago in 2014, before the song was even on an album.

My friends and I parted ways and I headed home. Parents were tucked in but I told them about the excitement that hit me. The next day was for relaxing. I stayed up late because the guys on my Discord started a Neverwinter Nights server and we've been playing it into the wee hours. It's been a nice distraction. A distraction I would need severely sooner than later.

Sunday night, my mom came home a few hours early from work. Dad had been out at a friend of his' place to watch the Steelers game. His legs gave out beneath him and he had to take an ambulance to the city. She was going to meet him there. We had no clue what was wrong. Best I could do was stay up and worry. Played more NWN and tried to not freak out and worry. I tweeted a dump of my worries.

"Yesterday was one of the best days of recent memory. Today is one of the worst. Dad on his way to the hospital. Might be nothing serious but it is very stressful, especially until I know more."

I didn't think I'd see them until morning but around 2am, they got home. Dad was fine. He has a heart condition they were already well aware of and he's medicated for. But this is just a symptom we hadn't seen before. We are more the wiser now. His ER treatment will set back his cancer treatments by a week since those are early Monday mornings and require him to be dehydrated.

In the stress, I stayed up until 5am. But everything was ok. For a short while longer, things were ok.

Monday morning was time to get busy. I had to send a legal agreement to my old employer but hadn't been given instructions on where to send them. I emailed the HR team and awaited a reply. I had my computer equipment to send back anyway. So the plan was to get the IT package to FedEx, print a return label for an Amazon scam item I was sent, and to scan my signed document and get it sent to employer.

Around the time I was rallied around and got some answers and some lunch, I got a call from my dear friend Nick. He was weeping and told me I should have a seat. I was feeling cheery but quickly changed tone. This was not a good call.

Our friend Ron has passed away by some horrible medical condition.

The same Ron who enjoyed the show with us just two nights before. I was speechless. An hour later, a call from Matt followed. We assured one another we were there for anything we needed. It's a close-knit group. We're all devastated.

I still went out and managed to knock out all my chores. A burden off the shoulders only to pick up another. When I got home, the friends' Discord was lit up, everyone sharing stories and pictures of Ron.

The world is worse without your light, Ron. You were always kind and earnest in your interest for those around you.

How can I carry on against this strife? It can't get better any time soon from where I'm standing.