Pneity

Er. Hi. Been a while, eh? I never thought I'd continue this blog. I started it, half coded it, then spent random amounts of free time failing to finish it for good. But it's functionally complete now. Rejoice! Either way, that does not necessarily mean I'm in a better spot now. I guess I did this because of how much things have changed over the last two years. It was a shame I didn't do more writing in the lead up to this because I had a lot to say that is all lost in forgotten weeks and months. I don't mean that poetically. I literally can't remember a majority of late February 2015 until mid April 2015. It's like it didn't happen to me. I was there, in a manner of speaking. I can list some things I did. I have proof that I was around during that time. It just didn't absorb. On February 16th, 2015, the second love of my life-- the person I devoted nearly 8 years to exclusively left me. I can't say I didn't feel like things weren't quite right, but I'd always established how important discussion was in that relationship. There was no lead up. No discussion. She got home one late night while I was playing Divinity and said it was over. I was trying to knock down a door in game when that went down. I should have actually knocked down a door. But I didn't really react. I told her to move out. This big house was gonna be lonely without her. But I pressed on. Days later, she'd tell me why she left me while moving her stuff out of my room. She had a completely legit excuse. But her methods were unsound. She wanted to still be friends. At the time I told her that'd be fine. I've spoken to her once since that day. It's been a year and a half now. I still feel for her the same way as I did before that day. I can't face her now as a friend because she is not a friend. She's more than that. And since that's over, I can't face her. This is some corny mush, I know. I've heard it described in songs and by friends, but never put much thought into it. Now, I know it too well. So where do I go from here? I fumbled around for a year. I hit the gym, lost 30 pounds, continued working on learning how to develop my dream game. Guys at work were teaching me how to better myself. It was cool. This all happened after the break up, and after my lung collapsed at random one night. This year has been a trainwreck of falling back into place. I gained 50 pounds. I have abandoned that game development project a hundred times. I never visit friends. On a lighter note, at the end of 2015, I got into Twitch. I started broadcasting and joined up with some other really cool dudes there. We started a Discord server and all hang out a lot. This year was punctuated by starting out with me realizing just how much I couldn't stand my job. It was the worst job of all time. During my annual review, I had stopped caring so much that I announced to my boss that I was going to pursue needed steps to make my life long dream a reality. I was going to move to Japan and teach. I've always wanted to teach, and I've always wanted to live in Japan. Easy job opportunities await in Japan for those who wish to teach English. A perfect match! Slight caveat, though. Bachelor's degree required for the visa. I proclaimed that I was looking for a job, but never jumped into finding one. Instead, I waffled around for four months. During those four months, new managers got hired at work and they fixed all my complaints with my job. Well, all the ones that could be helped. Suddenly, I can take advantage of the company's tuition reimbursement program to get my degree. I could do that, go to school around the corner from work, and fullfil my requirements there to finish a degree and literally everyone wins after that. What could go wrong? School started at the end of August, as is tradition. I'm broke. I'm overworked. I'm depressed. I'm in possibly the worst mental state I've ever been in. But I'm alive. I'm living on my terms now. I'm going to finish this degree, come out swinging to pay off all my debts. After I kill those off, the sky is the limit. I'm gonna do this right. Is it 2019 yet?

I'm past a breaking point. I've broken down to all the people who are cheering me on via the phone. The phone is the only way I can really talk to folks these days. My buddy Nick, my mother, my roommate. They all know I'm stressed out. School is so much harder on me than I'd anticipated. The constant work, the long days. I just want to go back to playing Rocket League every night, skipping the gym. If only it could be like that again. I did call mom for the first time in weeks today. I told her that I'm stressed and the only thing keeping me going is the end goal, and how important that end goal is to me. So for now that's what I'm gonna keep doing. I've gotten caught up on sleep. Going to bed early, waking up early. That makes the days seem longer. Yesterday was Pathfinder, Eastern Campaign day. Lots of fun, playing that for the first time in a long while. Can't wait for the next, though Casey, one of the players, might hold that off for a while judging by his awful work schedule. Today was supposed to be homework day. But I procrastinated, watching Unreal Engine tutorial videos until I sat down to want to write a blog entry here. But I didn't have submission form. So I wrote one. With that done, I'm on to better things. Two quizzes, two assignments, then this huge paper I should have done weeks ago: the source analysis. Let's not bomb any more tests, Tim. Onward!

Yo, I've gotta make this brief because I'm exhausted. I have no idea why I'm exhausted. I'm two weeks into a ketogenic diet. Is that it? I got lots of sleep over the weekend, but it helped me get behind on schoolwork. Is that making the stress sap my energy? Am I just depressed at the season change? By the way, I asked that as I sit at home in the cold and dark fully clothed with two coats on. I don't know, but we're arriving at Tuesday soon and I have a few big assignments to complete by Thursday. God help me. 2019 is going to be the best thing, but I'm not sure I'm gonna make it.

I went to bed comfortably last night, at an early hour like I normally do on school nights. I woke up without an alarm, nearly an hour early, as I tend to do. Only this time, I didn't go back to sleep. This time, I woke up and did Networking homework. Knocked out of the park. Made a great breakfast of a sausage patty fried in butter, with a salty as hell egg cracked atop it. Manly breakfast, no? Went to work with my Red Bull in bag, full of energy for the first time all week. Those magnesium potassium aspartate supplements are pretty amazing on this diet. Powered through my day. Handled a really satisfying long support call, then walked and helped other techs out all day. Another one knocked out of the park. Only then did I head to Networking class, where I got bored at all the subnetting talk. I know how to subnet. I used to do it professionally. Easy test, I guess it'll be. Ate some Five Guys, no bun, tons of mayo, since I hadn't eaten much after breakfast. I needed fuel for the night. Grabbed my coat from the office and ended up talking to a straggling coworker who was still at the office late. Talked to him about the future for about an hour. Couldn't be honest about my after-school plans, though. I'm still selective about who I'll tell. Walked the bridge to Station Square where I drove home and chilled out for a bit. Gotta be in the right mode to write papers. Especially a type of paper I've never written before. Knocked the paper out of the park after a ton of struggling. I estimated it'd be three hours of hard work to get mostly done. I was almost on the money. Except I have no idea how to do my citations. It's a format they didn't prepare me for back in high school. I only know MLA, and even then, I don't know how to cite translated Ancient Greek sources. I'll ask the professor tomorrow. Meanwhile, I'm all jacked up on diet pop and ready to crash out. Catch you guys later. Thank you for a good day.

I'm typing this on an unreliable Samsung tablet. I'm not a fan of typing slowly so I'll keep this brief. I have a lot of neat things going for me right now. If I weren't in school and trying to move to Japan, I could be adventurous and move anywhere in the US. Even though I'm growing to resent Pittsburgh, my life here is cool. Nice house, cool roommate, neat friends... more than I'd ever imagined. Despite my exhaustion and unfinished projects, I'm doing ok. I think about family every day and have difficulty imagining life abroad. But I don't see family very often, despite being so close. I'm not sure what would happen to this blog if something happens to me, but if anyone in my family ever does, know that my thoughts of you all keep my head up every day.

Nights where I'm already feeling down combine with my apparent inability to sleep. I post blog entries at 4:30 am after a half hour nap. I have no reason to be awake short of the liter or so of Diet Mountain Dew I had before bed. Nick moved in to our place last weekend to escape an abusive home. Cory moved in this morning fleeing out of state hardships. With a full house, it is at 4 am I ponder in a state of depression if two more eternal years of school are worth my soul and wellbeing. When will I break and give up on my dream?

As an addendum to my prior post: it is 5:30, I'm going to get out of bed in a moment. It's so cold that anything not covered by a blanket hurts. How in the hell am I going to survive until spring? How in the hell am I going to make it through until 2019?