Pneity

About three hours ago, I finished night five of work out of eight straight. I'm feeling fantastic and strong. Could use some sleep but I can fix that after writing down some feelings for the day. The last few days have been me laying awake in bed for a while anyway.

Today is Labor Day in the US so all my friends were on Discord until pretty late. I tuned in to a charity stream where some of my favorite Internet personalities were biking across Hokkaido on Twitch to raise funds for an immunodeficient charity on behalf of their friend, another great person on Twitch. It went on about a week and I largely didn't watch it. This morning, US time, they finished the ride. It was a very climactic event watching the conclusion. Seeing these otherwise normal people do something so healthy for something so positive in a place I'd love to be was an awakening of sorts. I want to do cool things. I want an adventure. I want to enjoy things that are going to better me as a person.

While I slept the day away recently, I got a message from a friend saying he was taking an ambulance to the hospital. His blood pressure spiked bad. He had been on his birthday vacation and hadn't been taking good care of himself as a way of kicking back to relax. It got the better of him. He ended up fine, got discharged the next morning. Well on a Saturday at 8 AM, nobody was around to get him home. I was finishing work moments later and offered to grab him; no question. When a friend needs your help, you help them. At first he didn't accept but with some more prodding, he did. Talking to him was another sort of awakening. One I've had in the back of my mind anyway. If I don't set myself on a better path, I'm going to physically fall apart by age 40.

So now, the plan is set. Partial student loan forgiveness just got approved and I will partake of that. While waiting, I can order some car parts to get my car suitable for sale. Once sold, I will angle towards finding a job in Japan. I'm aiming high, something I can use my current skills on in the IT field. Something that can help me learn some Japanese and I can aim higher in a specialty IT job I can thrive with. But whatever it takes. Once I secure that, I figure out a way to find an apartment over there and get my possessions and money moved. Land over there with my feet already moving towards something better physically. I'll have already gotten active and started taking better care of my body. I will have already begun respecting myself.

I absolutely hate talking about my goals and plans because it sets my mind into a state of security. Talking about the goals means I've already moved towards the goals and I can ease up. But that's not how it is. I have yet to take any of the above steps. I am awake now. I lost myself at an unfortunate time but it's not too late to pick up the pieces and thrive.

It's time to thrive. I'm going to break through "ok" and become unstoppable.

I'm not here to accuse anyone of anything. I'm here because I'm a coward. I don't dissent my voice towards any movements or ideas because I'm a coward. I have strong political opinions but when discussing them, I will stop short of meaningful discussion every time someone presses me. But recently, the US populace has been swept up in political tendencies of weird flavours. Friends and family with all manner of opinions come out of the blue just to zero in on the weirdest shit. I'm too much of a coward to call it out when I see it. I'm in too much of a shell to question the root of why they focus on what they do.

Why am I here to discuss this? This is the only place nobody looks. I have a dear friend who has been politically shifted to the right by moving to the middle of nowhere and spending more time with his family. I have no right to feelings on people getting along with their family or where they live but there has been a huge shift in his opinions, I've noticed even if we never talk about politics.

I checked my Twitter and saw my buddy tweeted for the first time in several months. He popped on to ask questions about the veracity of documents sent with immigrants when the Florida government bussed them across the country. Not begging questions of why it was done or how appropriate it is to ship "illegal" immigrants further into the country rather than processing them through whatever means would either remove them or make them "legal." He just wants to verify they were sent with incorrect instructions on where to seek help in their situation. Because he hasn't seen a scan of the document itself.

I don't know why this gets under my skin like it does. Let's fight like hell for better outcomes and the net positive. If you think that means shipping migrants to places that can better server their needs, so be it. If that means deporting migrants on sight, fight for that, too. I won't agree with you but stand for what you believe. But if the takeaway here is "we can't trust the media's accounts of the situation," I'm wondering where your heart is in all this. Why did that bring you back to social media?

I want to hold our leaders accountable. I want to see positive change for my countrymen. I want to leave, too.

Today's the day to fall. Because it's fall. Get it?

My mood, my spirit. They are also falling. I think my mind has hit one of it's weird funks because I find myself delaying important tasks which causes further procrastination. I finish work for the week in about an hour. I'm waiting on hold for a training that was supposed to start ten minutes ago. Work has been very bizarre. I don't know how to explain it but it's taken over my entire mentality.

When you work for a company for long enough, you start to see the cracks. When you work for a company for long enough, the cracks seem impossible to overcome. I'm a grunt in the system and I don't know what top level discussions got us to where we are now. I don't know how the problems formed at the top but I see the effects on the bottom rung. My coworkers are miserable. They are marred by bureaucracy and conflicting systems. Useful information is spread across 5 systems before they can start doing their jobs. Management is deaf to our struggles. They were given instruction to get us back in office. They were given instruction that anyone who can't or won't can walk out. They act broke, can't hire people, can't make things better. Clients don't support on the product they bought because we suddenly can't afford it.

I have zero faith in the product, the decision makers, and the work environment. If I didn't have an escape plan already, I'd be terrified. If they gave me an exit interview a year ago, I'd not have had much to say. Right now, if I had one, I'd complain to the heavens. I'd burn the bridge. I'm hoping to stop sitting on my hands and take the steps to sell my car. Then I find a job overseas. Oh, lord, please let me find that job.

It's time. I'm done sitting on my hands. Work is radioactive to my soul. Today, I bought all the car parts I need. Gasket kit and seat belt clips for the Toyota then brakes for the Honda. Estimated mid October to get them; now to find someone who can put it all in. Once that's done, I will find a job in Japan and get out asap. I'm leaving and not coming back unless I'm needed. It's saying a lot of goodbyes and farewells. I'm not going to be sad about it right now. Except family. Family is important to me.

My heart hurts when I think of how little I've seen my extended family in the last decade. They are all great to me and meant the world to me as a kid. Warm memories I wouldn't trade for anything. My mom and dad are my life. I'll be sad to say goodbye but I'll keep in close touch. When I moved to Pittsburgh years ago, I'd sometimes go a month or two without getting in touch and would sometimes be 6 months between visits. In Japan, I'll be in touch as often as I can. They mean the world to me.

Dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer today. They suspected something was up and biopsied him a few weeks back. Today was the big results day and it came back rough. It's not as bad as it should be, though. They caught it early, it's not caused irreparable damage. They're going to treat it. Dad's spirit is still high but he's processing it all. It's big news to take in. It's his second bout, last time was his prostrate. I don't think I blogged around when we dealt with that one but it involved my sister coming in from out of town and us all meeting at the hospital before he got operated on. He knocked that one out and he's going to knock this one out, too.

To say I'm stressed is an understatement. But he's fighting. I knew I didn't have to remind him to fight but I told him to be sure to kick it's butt anyway. He assured me that was his plan. I have constant, buzzing anxiety when I think of family and mortality, especially as age sets in. It's been constant since I was ten or so. But when we're faced with something very real like this, I take it alright. I kind of emotionally shut down. It happened when all my grandparents passed and when many of my extended family have passed. I don't want to find out what happens when someone closer is gone.

But either way, I can't let it shake my resolve. I should have been gone from here two years ago. It's time to get it going.