Pneity

It's been a real ride. I am full of anxiety. My psyche is in ruin, I'm sure of it. I say that because despite my constant failures on my programming project, the rest of my life has nearly fully stabilized. I don't know why things have come together like this but let's go through it, yeah?

I managed to start feeling relatively normal health-wise. Started taking mineral supplements and trying to eat like a normal human being. It's going fine. I'm constantly paranoid about blood sugar and gum health. This will be the rest of my life, I'm certain.

In possibly the best news I'll ever get in my entire life: dad had invasive kidney/bladder surgery and was declared cancer free. We are back on monitoring. If there's something there, it's insubstantial and they cannot detect it. Let's keep that energy up. Dad even seems more like his old self. He still hurts all the time over general stuff but there's no threat of unavoidable death now. We can make some progress and enjoy some time, I hope.

I'm still bad at being present. Often too tired to perform in my hobbies. Too exhausted for VR and when I code, it's bad. I've gone back to my old sleeping habits. I can lay down early, fall asleep immediately, sleep as long as I need to. Weekends when I can sleep have been incredible.

I think the now generalized anxiety is giving me vivid dreams, which happens any time I'm stressed. The dreams aren't usually nightmares, they just keep my mind occupied and I don't feel like I'm sleeping deeply.

I want that kind of sleep that feels like death.

Maybe next year's Japan trip will be the next time I get that good sleep. I sleep so great over there on account of exhausting myself completely every day.

August was "nice." I fought it in some weird ways. It was hot but finished on an unseasonable cool. Much like the vibes.

The highs were good. I was granted a meeting with the president of my company. Thirty minute skip level to discuss whatever I wanted. She guided the conversation but it was strong and productive. I think I left a good impression. My boss had one with her the next day and he said the layoffs from years ago came up, and he pointed out that I was affected by it. She was blown away, I'm told, and did not at all understand why that decision would have been made. We both agree there.

But Pa's clean bill of health has changed his mood so much. The sadness in his eyes isn't there like it was. He's more relaxed and enjoying the moments. I want to join him on that, but I'm locked in my own bullshit. I need to clean and organize my living situation but it is so out of whack, I can't even start approaching it. I'm in a deadlock.

It's so weird how a lifestyle deadlock like that can keep you from making decisions like getting off the goddamn computer for a few minutes. My brain is bad.

But we're going into the end of summer and I'm sad over that, but the summer was aggressive and I don't think I'll miss it. But the green trees and blue sky feel so nice.

Cheers to the coldest summer of the rest of my life.