Pneity

Hi, everyone. It's been a while, but I'm still alive. What a strange week. Or maybe, it isn't strange, but it's a good week that just doesn't feel right. Last Friday, I got fed up with our networking teacher's indecisiveness in our final project, so I counciled her on what she was going to assign us. And by council, I outright told her what we were going to do. Awesome. Finally, something going right in those awful classes. Got home later that day, passed out on the couch for three hours. I was freaking tired. Lucky for me, Sabrina was at work and couldn't come over until later anyway. She came over around 8 if memory serves me right. Things were going nicely, until the subject got to her self image. She was angry at me aĂd at herself for the rest of the night. When I took her home, she didn't even hug me goodnight. I was worried. Still am. The next day, we went to her little cousins' house to watch them for the day. We swam, and watched movies until late, then parted ways. A nice day to relax, it seems. Sunday was a nice surprise, I was able to pick her up from work, but I missed picking her up by about 2 minutes. I chased her down and caught her pulling into her driveway. I took her to my house, and we spent a nice night together, watching Law and Order and just relaxing. I didn't go back until late, which allowed seeing her at all that Sunday. When I got back to school, I debated resetting the network's WEP keys, but decided against it. I'll do it at the end of the month. Monday, class sucked hard until the end of third period, our teacher said something about not getting our next teacher fired, at which point we (I should say I, nobody else was conscious to hear what she said). SQL class wasn't so much a class, as a meeting about the school's next action about our networking classes. The verdict: crappy teacher is out of the picture, and we're getting a new teacher. Tuesday, we met him. He's very awesome, and it's nice to say that I learn as much from him as I do Mr. C. Despite having the makings of an awesome week, what with the new teacher and all, I'm not happy. Instead, I notice the classes getting less focused and smaller. The last girl in our class got kicked out for the school screwing up her financial aid. I felt bad, especially since I was in a similar position, and I'm still here. What a bunch of crap, I say. I'm mentally breaking down. Usually, when I ponder life, I look to the more hopeful parts of it, and in moral decisions, I always try to go with what is right. However, this week, I've noticed that I just don't care anymore. I start thinking on the way back from school to the dorms, and it makes me extremely sad since I'd mentally debate serious issues and resolve things in my head. Now, I just shove it aside and decide that it's not important enough to bother with. On the way back from the dorms this week, it's been over 90° every day, with high humidity. I like it, but not for a mile walk. I've realized the ultimate symbol of the future I've been striving for driving in the streets -- Volkswagen Beetles, and instead of making me hopeful and happy, it saddens me. "My" future is not possible. The things I want cannot be obtained, and don't think I'm going to try for them. Whatever happens to me at this point, happens. On a happier note, over last weekend, Chris got a bunch of techno songs and they're pretty awesome. Mostly remixes of abstract songs such as "Time After Time" and "Somebody's Watching Me." Meh. I go home tomorrow, but in reality, I don't want to go home. I'd rather stick around here and be productive. But that's out of the question. Five months, dammit. Feh. Joey's coming home for a week Sunday. I hope to see him next Friday. He's such an awesome, true friend. I wish I could be such good friends with other people closer to me like I am with him. And I only get to talk to him a few times a freaking year. Chad, Franklin, Chris, Jeff... all of them. I can't blame them for not keeping in touch, it's just as much my fault. But I feel alienated by everyone. They're so close to my home, but they're so far away. Especially Chad. Every weekend, I want to go see him, but I can't do that to myself. I guess that means I'm terrible. He's still got my Sound Blaster Sound drivers, though. And I have a Paganini CD for him. Oh, well. I started playing Sim City 4 this week. Fun, fun game, but it's entirely too hard, so I pretty much gave up entirely. Thanks, Maxis. You fail it. I guess I fail it as well for this nonfocused rant. Everyone, enjoy your AIDS. I'm eating tuna and going to sleep. G'night.

Friday... school sucked. New teacher won't be in class on Fridays, so we just get assignments and stick around for Mr. C's classes, which are becoming less and less interesting, and more and more frustrating. I got back from school, fell asleep on the love seat, then Chris left for the weekend. I was too tired to hold my head up. After he left, I attempted to stay awake with my laptop but I ended up falling asleep on my laundry bag on the floor for nearly an hour, waiting for my sister to call me down. We rode back home, I slept most of the ride, then got car sick. She dropped herself off at her house, then I drive to Sabrina's to pick her up. I stayed there a while, then after getting a call from my dad, worried about me, and where I was, I went home. Sabrina and I spent the night watching Law and Order. Or rather, she did. I slept. Still tired. I took her home because she was being unusually quiet. The next day, she showed up in top form again as if Friday hadn't gone badly. We watched TV movies almost all day, and it made for a pretty uninteresting day. Just the kind I like. A quiet night at home with Sabrina. I made dinner, and wouldn't you know it, it was hot dogs and beef rice. I'm so predictable. when she left, I watched Nagasaki history specials until the wee hours of the morning. At around 6 AM, I decided I had to fall asleep, so I got off of the hot, ichy couch and curled up on the recliner. Talk about uncomfortable. But it sure beat my bed for some odd reason. Casey came over around 10 the next morning, waking me up unlocking the front door. She started watching TV, so I went downstairs, to my room, to go to sleep until later. Sabrina called at 1, wondering when to come over. I said around 2:30, then went to sleep for another hour. Woke up, ate, showered, watched Bewitched on my computer with her. Rest of the day was rather uneventful, if nice, solid quality time with Sabrina. I packed my stuff and headed for school around 9 PM. It brings me down just to be back here for another week, but I'm trying to find the good in it. Looks like I may get 3 hours of sleep before school, though. What a crappy deal I'm getting here. Stupid sleep. I like being conscious too much to go to sleep, and I like sleep far too much to wake up. Recently, I've had to be exhausted before I'll even think of sleeping. Unhealthy habit, I know. Oh, well. G'night.

I stayed up all night. Didn't make sense to sleep for 3 hours. I got ready for school this morning, a bit rushed anyway, but it was 74° in the room. Average, almost perfect inside temperature. So, please, explain to me whey I was sweating like I ran a marathon. Ok, anyway... I sat in front of a fan for a few minutes before speed-walking to school in the rain. I even made it right on time. School was unusually difficult, because my brain wasn't functioning properly. I didn't fall asleep in class at all, fortunately, and I was even answering all the questions in class. I slept during our break, though. Jimm ripped a bunch of old CDs to my computer during breĂk, the likes of Blues Traveler, Sugar Ray, and Citizen King. He picked them up cheap yesterday. Thanks, Jimm. The walk home, weather wise, was perfect, but I was staggering all over the place from being so tired. Went back to the dorms, changed clothes, went to sleep. Good god, I slept well. Thirteen hours of hallucinogenic sleep. I was having very vivid dreams, and even when I woke up, I continued dreaming. Waking up tooke me 4 hours, and every hour or so, I'd wake up, go right back to sleep and immediately start dreaming again. I must have been really tired. Anyway, I woke up around 3:30 AM, and having been up for two hours, I can say I'm feeling pretty freaking awesome. I await school now.

Average day, I guess. Went to school early this morning, walked with Hobson. Got no backed up work done, but I did get our newest Client/Server lab finished. Yay for me. Yay for doing work in class. We moved a few more notches up Mr. C's "worst class ever" meter with our consistantly crappy attendance. I sat in during their Linux install, which I was excepmt from since I already had it running properly on my laptop. Sweet. I still stayed an extra two hours at school out of pure laziness. Got back to the dorms, faught to stay awake, but around 4 PM, I became weak, and took a two hour nap. After that, I ate, worked on the server for a while (looked for an easy to use, functioning Apache Log parser, but to no avail). Then I cleaned and "rearranged" my part of the room, making it a little more optimal and cleaner. Then, I ate some rigatoni in Hobson's room, and now, here I am again. I have had some nice conversations with Rachel throughout the night, and a nice tech discussion about web languages. That's what I'd call fun. I just remembered about Joey. Of all the weekends, of all the days I was "available" to hang out with him while he's back from the Marines, it had to be Saturday. The same Saturday of my Aunt Donna's annual party. Aargh, this sucks. So, as usual, I'm torn between my favorite party of the year or seeing my best friend in what may be the one last chance for some time. Just when things were supposed to be going good for me, I get something like this... G'night.

Once again, I don't think the internet need know the size, shape, and frequency of my bowels, but I just got sick again. I might just not go to school tomorrow to be safe. Aargh.

I didn't go to school today. After being up half the night with diarrhea, I wasn't going to chance going to school. As usual, even that was pointless. I missed more work, had no more events of running to the bathroom, and just slept until noon. I was woken up by a phone call. A phone call? At noon? It was Chris, swinging in with the news. Our internet was due to get shut off at any time. Our neighbors, who I'll admit were ever courteous to our internet needs (except the ripoff of paying for their cable, even without being able to watch it in our room), ended up with a ridiculous cable/internet bill, somehow, and informed us last second that one of them was moving out. Today. Ok, whatever. What's the solution? Hobson was kind enough to supply internet to us wirelessly through my router. The downside of that is, the connection from a floor down, through the stairwell sucks balls. Not to mention that their ISP blocks port 80 for webservers. Oh, wait... like the one I ran for 4 months as my most successful pet project ever? Well, fuck you too, Verizon. I submitted to setting the webserver to an alternate port, as it would give me a great opportunity tĂ switch over to Linux. Oh, wait... I've got to move the server downstairs now? Fine. Done. Wait, all my settings are set for the old network? Ok, I'll just reinstall Fedora. Two hours wasted. Ten minutes into configuring httpd (Apache, the webserver program), I made an alteration to the configuration that stopped httpd from starting back up. Fuck you, too. Ok, I'll set up SSH and go back to my room, where I can work from comfort. Cool, done. Oh, wait... my SSH connection sucks wirelessly. Fuck you, too. Hours wasted in fiddling around with that for nothing. I get back to my room once again, and my perfectly rearranged room is all screwed up again from tearing out the printer and server from under my desk. Fuck you, too. Hmmm, what? It's 9:00? Guess I'll take a short break then get some of my work done. Oh, wait, I'm tired. I put on some soft music, and set my head on my desk. Shortly thereafter, the queue of soft music runs out, and I wake up and start talking to Rachel. After informing her of my bad day, Hobson summons me to his room. What's up with him now? Is it about us being on his network? No, they have to move to another room by Friday. And so begins their, and my own holy war agains Bradford's shitty administration. I'm sorry for getting you into this, Sabrina. I'm so, so, so sorry. Now, I go to the shower to try to think for a while before going to sleep. Just what I need, more sleep. Fuck you, too, life. I hate you.

School came and went. I failed some tests, and rebuilt my Linux Kernel. It failed in that my sound card and ndiswrapper stopped working. Went back to the dorms, waited for Casey. She called, and asked about any local DDR machines. I answered with the Station Square one, so she introĂuced me to her friend from work Frank, and we went to Station Square. We were playing DDR, and Brandon walked by. Shortly followed by Jimm. I introduced them to my sister, then we played much more DDR. We left, I was sweating, and slightly motion sick. On the way back, I was stressed over the plans for the next two days. I called Sabrina, and she wasn't home, working until 8 PM. Joey was picking me up at 6 PM. Great. Or not. Anyway, I decided just to not see Sabrina and go see Joey for the one night I'll be able to. Sabrina also works parking at the Reniassance Festival in the morning, so tomorrow's plans are weird as well. Sabrina called shortly afterwards, and sounded like I just shot her dog. I've been questioning she and I so much. Don't ever get me wrong on this one, I love her more than anyone could ever love anyone, and I consider myself the luckiest person in the world to be with her. But then, there are so many times where I have thought of how tricky it is to deal with her. She's so sensitive, and I've caught myself walking on eggshells around her, not so much because I mean to, but because I know subconsciously that if I say anything as a joke, she'll create a mental complex around it. Her confidence issues make things tricky for the way I act. On another hand, when I'm around her and others, I can't talk with those others or she feels left out. With how rarely I get to see my friends and family, talking to Sabrina and not them makes me feel bad. As a final possibility, I could not take her entirely, in which she gets upset that she doesn't get to see me. Aargh, this is tricky. I pray for a resolution. Yet, my question is: am I terrible for feeling this way? Anyway, after the short cellphone conversation with Sabrina, my dad and I tried to figure out the chords to "Get Right With The Man" by Van Zant. Joey called and said they'd be along to pick me up shortly. I went to Joey's house, and I talked to Kala's parents for a while. Afterwards, some other friends I hadn't seen in quite a while showed up. Good times were had by all, talking, and enjoying time. We watched Kung Fu Hustle, which was awesome, and a video about boot camp with the Marines. After that, we played some crappy Marines X-Box shooting game (I hate first person shooters on consoles), and then Project Gotham Racing 2, which owned. I sucked, though. Fahvergneugen, indeed. I enjoyed hanging out with those people, as they're awesome, but I couldn't help but think of Sabrina the whole time. Needless to say, I do not look forward to tomorrow. Awkward moments between Rachel, Sabrina, and I. And anyone else there who I'll end up talking to. I hate being torn between friends and family and Sabrina. It hurts.

I can't think of a way to start this entry. I just had an interesting thought. My life exists as mere idle time between tragedies. Sitting around, in school, with friends, sleeping, waiting, knowing something terrible is going to shake the whole foundation of mine and those I love's lives. I realize now that I spend so much of my time thinking about what great tragedy will be next. This weekend can be considered one of those tragedies, I would say. Friday night, I called exactly how things would happen on Saturday. Yesterday was a weird day. I woke up to a call from Chad. Aargh. He asked me to fix his computer, and I, for some reason, agreed. I went over around 1 PM, so I looked at his computer, couldn't figure out what his problem was, then we ate some turkey that he cooked. He showed me his home made lightsabers, and we faught for a minute or two before he took me home. I got more ready, then headed out to Aunt Donna's party. Rachel, Todd, and Ryan all weren't there yet, and we were even 45 minutes late. I waited for a while for my parents to finish eating, then move some stuff from Casey's tracker to the car. Once they did, Rachel and Ryan showed up. Rachel went with me to pick Sabrina up. We went to pick her up, and Sabrina was too tired to stay awake while I drove her to the pool to see her sister. She showed more affection to her dog leaving her house than she did the whole day. Staying at the pool for a half hour was nice, it was the most Sabrina said all weekend, and of course, it wasn't to me. To be continued... got to get ready to go back to school.

Ok... anyway, leaving there, she started acting like something was horribly wrong, but wouldn't tell me. I suggested that she go home, and she agreed. Rachel and I hung out for the rest of the night. I was in a weird mood for the rest of the day. It's so strange, I spent this whole weekend having a great time, but the entire time, I couldn't help but feel like something was horribly wrong about Sabrina not being with me. And not knowing her mindset during this weekend has made things all the more confusing for me. I'm so confused right now, I don't even think she likes me anymore. Not like she would tell me. And now, we'll both be depressed all week. Lovely. Anyway, after the party yesterday, we went to see my aunt's new deck. It is beautiful, and I'm jealous, of course. Went back home, watched a few episodes of Last Exile, then fell asleep. This morning, I woke up to a phone call from Sabrina saying she didn't want to see me today. FUCKING AWESOME. That's not cool at all. So, my sister brought me to Pittsburgh early today. Here I am, procrastinating to do my SQL work tonight. I might just sleep a while, then pull an all nighter. G'night.

The lack of a webserver leads to a lack of updates of this crappy little text file. Last week was hell. I grieved the first three days of it, so much that I just didn't go to school Monday. After that, I slowly picked up my mood, since after days of struggling, I got Apache and FTP to run through Fedora Core. By Friday, I was back to my cheery self, but strangely terrified of going home. We were able to pick Sabrina up on the way back from school, and she seemed ok with seeing me. Things were slightly awkward for an hour or two before I broke down and pretty much forced her problems out of her. She opened my eyes to a lot of inconsistencies of myself, however, most of which were caused by inconsistencies in our lack of communication. We both vowed to always be truthful, and direct. I hope that lasts. I know, it's how I've always been. Anyway, the weekend after that ruled. I forgot my wallet and license at the dorms, so there was no travel in my future. Friday night, after Sabrina left, I got the genius idea of what I could have done for her birthday, but then, realized how horrible it was because I was both broke and couldn't drive from lack of having my license. There should be a way of driving without needing the license. Like, memorizing the license number and the cops could pull it up on some central database. Wouldn't be impossible, I think. But, I digress. We ended up hanging out at my house all three days. Friday night, I passed out on the couch watching Last Exile on G4. Leet. I woke up at around 6 AM to my dad blasting the radio in the kitchen, at which point I went to my room. Sabrina came over around 2 PM and we had a nice quiet day. Even the TV was off most of the day, and we just relaxed and enjoyed the time together. I tried to install Linux on her computer so she could play those spiffy KDE games Fedora comes with. I partitioned her hard drive with Partition Magic, but I didn't realize that setting the Windows partition inactive was pretty much irreversible. Linux gave me the finger, a kernel panic in the first moments of the install. Who'd have thought that a computer could break on me of all people. Gee, like we all didn't see that coming. I installed XP Pro on the would be Linux partition, and even the WinXP Paritioning tools couldn't recover, so I decided that rather than getting mad at it, I'd take her computer up to school with me and fix it from here. I will look at this as an opportunity to really pimp it out like I had originally wanted to. Anyway, I was watching some good ol' Kung Fu on TV when my dad and older siĂter got back from my aunt's. They were pretty well drunk, but suprisingly, my dad made it to bed before passing out in the chair. He was in an unusual mood, and I'm sort of glad I didn't have to help him to bed. Not that I wouldn't have. Everyone needs that luxary sometimes. Sunday came, and since my mom was working nights, my dad and older sister brought me to the dorms. We had to carry up everything, because Duquesne is having an extremely busy move in period this term. Anyway, we got everything up to the room, and I went to bitch out Hobson for being a douche. And caught up on weekend happenings. I must say, their room looked as clean as I've ever seen it. I was impressed. Now, I've caught up on all internet happenings, and I'm getting ready to go to sleep. G'night.