Pneity

A year ago, I felt a pain I'd never felt before. Physical manifestation of terrible emotional pain. I always figured the terms heartache and heartbreak were figurative. To those who read this who have never felt it, let me say, it's real. It's a soul deep sickness. Exactly one year ago, I thought I'd hit rock bottom and would never hurt like that again. These last two weeks have proven that wrong. I've been told by people I've talked to that nobody deserves this. And on that premise alone, I should hate Sabrina now. But I remember all the good times we had, all the happy memories, all the emotions are stirred within me when I think about all I'd lose if I couldn't have her back and I just break down and cry. Even if not on the outside, my insides weep like a baby. I wouldn't wish this pain on the worst people of the world. Hell doesn't know this kind of pain. I almost had a mental breakdown at work the other day. I was doing my normal grill open at Wendy's, looking at the upcoming week's schedule when I started thinking about her. I looked below the schedule and I saw a note written on the back of a drive-thru bag in red marker. It was a note from Sabrina to her friends who work there telling them how much she loves them. I wasn't mentioned. Then I started thinking about how she never called like I asked her to. Is she trying to convince herself I'm dead and that she will never talk to me again? Never associate with me again? That hurts more than anything. I almost had a mental breakdown at work. Lucky for me, Betta and I talked while doing line two sandwiches after lunch rush about my situation. She said she feels for Sabrina, as she was in her position once. She advised me to be patient, work with her, be supportive. It'll throw her off and sway her back to me. And that calmed me down, and cooled me off. But over the last two days since, I have thought even more. And I start to think that maybe she did something either to herself or with someone else and this is just a manifestation of her lack of trust in me and how I'd react to that. If that's the case than it hurts that much more. And she won't talk to me to reassure me of that. I haven't even seen her since two Saturdays ago. And, ironically enough, that Saturday was the first time she'd let me hug her in a caring way in months. I miss her touch, I miss her laugh, I miss her life. I've been trying to imagine my life without her and it's bleak. There is no replacement for the perfect spirited girl. I think to myself that I can find a girl who shares more of my interests, but a girl like that wouldn't be Sabrina and she's always lack that special quality I love so much. What it is, I don't know. I feel like Sabrina resents a lot of the things I stand for and enjoy. I've been hoping that this split isn't a manifestation of those dark feelings towards me. Like I keep saying, I can only speculate what exactly is going on here since I don't understand what she means when she tells me what's going on. My mp3 player broke the other day before my day to hang out with Dom and Nick. After getting pissed off at it for a few days, I upgraded the firmware, reuploaded music to it and it works again. We're going to go see Transformers tomorrow. I was going to do that with Sabrina. So much for plans, eh? I won't get to see Warped Tour either. Sabrina actually made me look forward to it. But she doesn't want to go with me to it, I'm sure. I am so angry with her, I think terrible things about her from time to time, when my anger builds up the most, I want to shout at her, make her feel all the pain I feel, make her suffer, and make her see all the pain I've been harboring. But, she's a fragine girl. She'd emotionally break and she'd never recover from that. Years after we'd part ways, she'd be haunted by my words. And I can't do that to her. I have chosen to try to forgive, move ahead, and try to move ahead with her. I wish her happiness in the future, and I wish her happiness with me even if that doesn't seem very likely. If she needs reminded if she loves me ever year, I don't predict a happy life. I'm confused and need some sort of supernatural guidence. I don't know what the best move here is. I've been told by friends that what she's doing isn't right, no to anyone. I've always defended her every decision to doubters, with a gut feeling that maybe the nonbelievers were right. Maybe they were. Can I defend her anymore? Well, at any rate, no mater thinking about it now or repeating myself any more for tonight. I've got a long day off ahead of me tomorrow. Good night, and may this serve as a reminder to my readers that no matter how dark things get, it can always get worse. As a demodivational poster once said: "It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black."