My last three entries in this journal have been short, indetailed accounts of things that have been lost to me recently. My dog, my self esteem, then my car. Last Monday, I lost the thing most precious to me in my life. Sabrina. Let me start at the beginning. The two of us suffered quite a shock in February, one that really messed with the foundation of who we were as people. Then at Tekkoshocon this year, we fought. What we fought about is inconsequential. Basically, I was a heartless jerk and she was being her selfconscious normal. We made up, went home, but things weren't quite right afterwards. I dont know which event sparked this, but something changed. Sabrina got very distant with me. She wouldn't hug me for a long time, when we watched movies, she'd sit alone, or if I tried to cuddle with her, she'd get mad at me saying she was uncomfortable like that. She stopped kissing me. I'd try to kiss her, and if I succeeded, she's half heartedly kiss me, I'd try again, and she'd play if off with a cute "no". But it always happened, so I know it wasn't her just trying to be cute. Anyway, it's been like that for a while now. And last Monday, I called her to see if she wanted to hang out. She said she was going somewhere, but didn't detail where or why. She called back about two hours later and dropped the bomb on me. She explained to me that she was having a tough time in her life right now, and was depressed and confused. She said she needed time. I was stunned, but tried to be supportive of how she felt. Her reasons were confusing to me, but I accepted them at the time thinking they made sense. But the last week, all I've been able to do is think of what happened. The clues from the short conversation I had with her. She sounded somehow as if something had just recently changed her feelings even more. I asked her if there was someone else, and she said there wasn't. She assured me there wasn't, even. The last time I saw her was two days before. I stopped by her house on Saturday after work, on a whim, thinking she'd want to spend the evening together. But I got there only to catch her leaving for Morgantown, to spend the night at her cousin Toni's house. These maddening thoughts have been going through my mind thinking that something happened while she was there, but I don't want to be an ass and ask her about it. Like I said, I haven't talked to her in a week, I tried to stop by her house yesterday after work, but she wasn't home. I told her brother to tell her I'll call. And I plan to call tonight when she gets home from work. But I don't know what I'm going to say to her. I have nothing to say to her, really. I just want to know what she's feeling, what she's thinking. She told me on the phone how much she loves me, but she doesn't show it very well with this move. Is it a sort of "the last three years have made me love you, but I just don't like you anymore" sort of thing? Yes, I admit that a lot of the time, I'm a complete ass hole. Yes, I admit that from December to April I suffered from intense situational depression and it made me a huge bummer to be around. Yes, I admit that I make mistakes. But why wouldn't she tell me that's her reason? In the last few months, I've tried reasserting my former faith in God, trying to feel spiritual, asking for forgiveness from God. Trying to crawl out of an infinite hole of darkness I've been in. Each time I would cry out, something new would be taken from me. Funny thing, though. I was emptying the morning garbage run at work today, and it struck me. I would rather be dead than feel the way I do. I'd never commit suicide, so don't worry about that. But I'd rather be dead than be faced with the situation I'm in right now. No matter the outcome, I can't see happiness short of Sabrina saying that she messed up, loves me, and makes things happier than they've ever been for us. But I know, based on past experience, that that can't and won't happen. Things between us always come back to being my fault, and she never tells me about it until things blow up into a fight. I'm always wrong when that happens. If I end up wrong, then she has every right to break things off with me. If I end up right, she's been doing some things lately that will make me not want to be with her anymore. And that hurts more than anything. So, I don't know where to go with this without being redundant, and I guess I'll wrap it up. I'd rather be dead than make the call to her to find out what's going on. I'd rather be dead than sit here another two hours to find out how painful the rest of my life will be. I'd rather be dead than lose Sabrina. Being at ends with her and losing her are my biggest fears. Sabrina keeps me sane, keeps me grounded, keeps me happy. She gives me a reason to go to work, she gives me a reason to do nearly everything I do. She gave me a reason to have goals in my life. Even if my goals have been shattered, she talked me into making new ones. And I was on the road to doing them. But now, my motivation is gone. She is gone. I'll update this after I call her. May God have mercy on my heart.
Edit: I just talked to her. She basically told me the same thing. Clarified that it's nothing I did, nothing she did, but that she's confused due to a self conscious dislike for herself. She wants to figure out who she is, and can't explain why she can't do that with me there by her side. I started telling her about her engagement ring appointment to have it cleaned (every six months) this week, and the conversation ended. Just like that. I'm no farther than I was twenty minutes ago. I talked with her for 15 minutes, then I took a shower to wash the stink off of me. Now, I"m writing this. There are things in my life that make no sense. Women has always been one I thought I knew, but I guess that's the folly of man. Thinking they understand women. I will never trust another person with my heart. The pain is not worth it, it's not fair. Today will always be a moment in my life that flipped everything I am, everything I know around. The last time that happened was when I started dating her. The day she gave me her ring back at Tekkoshocon, I said "I just gave up the best thing that will ever happen to me". But things ended up just fine then. Now, I can really say that. If she calls back, I'll update this again, but I know her better than that. She'll cry herself to sleep tonight, and then be too hurt tomorrow. I swear, I can feel her feelings right now. I just know she's going to give me her ring back and cut things off for good. It's the strongest preminition I've ever sensed, it's as if I can feel her pain. I can't explain it, everything in me says that's what's going to happen. And soon.