Pneity

This morning, I am a fragmented mess. I am meant to be doing work this morning. Specifically, a project. I am a support technician at a software company; working a queue where calls and cases come in for me to resolve. However, earlier this year, I was assigned to be a member of a rookie development team of support folks who will develop a neat little tool to help our deployment and troubleshooting of some new products.

All I can do is stare at this code. I don't know Python, but I don't think that's the entire problem. There's something way deeper going on this morning. I've been barely involved in the project so far. I have committed about 10 lines of code to the entire thing, but it's understandable because I was too busy with my day to day job in the first sprint, and I was in Japan for the entire second sprint. But my lack of follow through is only a small part of today's problem.

I have no focus right now. I can't seem to do anything right now. I'm nervous. My thoughts are fragmented. I am in a thousand places at once, but I am actually in none of those places. I'm exhausted, haven't been sleeping right. I go to bed early and "fall asleep" on time, but I don't wake up rested.

I noticed more dental problems yesterday. I had switched to a "gum protection" toothpaste, but it dried my mouth out and immediately caused my gums to start receding again. My mind is horrified, hoping I can get back on the health path there.

But I'm not doing well right now, guys. I feel like I'm losing something big, even though I'm in a relative moment of calm. I need help.

At what point do I just invest in a shotgun? I don't really want to be.

Every other day, I feel like I've been gaslit into believing that something about my day to day has been wrong for my 39 years of life, it affects me in ways I can't describe, then the next month, we're back to baseline and get to do it all over again. Several of these cycles overlay one another at any given time so "baseline" may be a weird way to approach this.

I just don't want it anymore.

Mark today as the day that the senior leadership at my company tell me to my face that generative AI will make for a great future of customer service and support. But they said that to my face, my face being a part of my existence that I have dedicated to customer support. I do software technical support for a living. I have gotten very good at it. And my own leadership is saying there is no future in keeping me around. To my fucking face.

Why am I here?

So that's what it looks like when someone gets the call that their sister passed away. I walked out of the bathroom and saw Dad get the call. "Oh, no," in a tone I've rarely heard him use. He's not been great himself and I'm sure he's got a lot of processing to do. Once he was done with the call, I let him know I was sorry to hear and that I love him. His sister, my aunt, was very sick for several years. Every time we'd visit her, I'd think about that visit being our last one.

Well, that last one was the last one. I will miss you dearly, Aunt Mary.

I will never forget when the brain cancer first took hold of you and you lost yourself. You went from being laid back to an uptight religious zealot. You would lock every loved one on the phone for hours if they let you, you talking about how good God is. When I was laid off from my job, you called me to ask that I deliver pizzas to the cancer center that treated you. I drove all the way to Connellsville to deliver pizzas to Greensburg. The nurses were confused; Mary had been so rambling that they could not believe she would carry through with the pizzas she promised them.

Once you got through treatments, things returned to normal for a year or so. Those visits were too short and I wish now more than ever that I could sit at the table, miserable from smoke in the house.

I'm not painting a nice light here but I assure anyone reading this, she was one of the sweetest, most hospitable, kindest souls I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. And I had the pleasure to call her family.

Time is cruel and I no longer want to participate.