Pneity

I have amazing things to share that happened since my last update here. I'm afraid this is not the day for that. I'm on a late lunch break at work and am taking the time to draw fresh from recent experience to lament why I really am tired of being a real person.

I live and die by my friends' support. I take it very personally when that breaks down, especially when it is my fault. I have betrayed my friends' trust a lot in the past because of my awful sense of humor, but I have grown, become better, and repaired strained relationships. There are cracks in the stonework because I keep a friend group who are inclined to the same things I used to be. They are the only people I have and I hold them dear, warts and all.

I have not used my position in their lives to suggest they do better. The spirit of me even trying over the years is all lost in "just jokes" and "having fun." And a lot of the time, it seemed that was enough. I am well loved and am at least trying to lead by example.

Yesterday, I realized I was absolutely not holding up any sense of honor. I was allowing some horrible stuff. Particularly, one of the closest people in my life in some recurring jokes. Those jokes tipped so far last night and I did not stand up and say "whoa, that's fucked up." It was too late. Someone was hurt, and someone was hurt real bad. They stood up for themselves but the offender thought everything was still "haha, jokes" and still likely has no idea how severe things got.

I've completely unplugged. Turned off all my social media. Uninstalled Telegram and Discord on my phone, shut them down for a while on the computer. I can't come back from this. I don't even really want to come back from this. I don't want respect anymore. I can't ever seem to do it right, so I'll just withdraw. I'm done. No more being social for me. People are too exhausting.

Just me and programming tutorials from here on out. I don't want anything more. I can't handle anything more. I'm not going to be anyone's excuse to hurt people anymore.

I left off on a rough spot on my last post. I didn't mention what was to lay ahead and I think I was just in such a desperate spot, I didn't think to explain. Perhaps I assumed I'd have more to say before stuff happened. I don't know. Either way, we're in a better spot. Let me explain.

I don't think I wrote about it last year, but I know I've mentioned that I help out my local anime convention's "Street Team" by traveling to other conventions and working their advertising booth. I started doing this while I was unemployed, but I have found that I can slot in and help out at times when I can take time off work. It's a great arrangement; I get to help my favorite event in this small way and I get to travel a bit more.

So this weekend, I got to travel to Anime North. Last week, I knew since I had unplugged from my normal methods of contact to my friends, I would not have time to turn it all back on and try to fix things before having to leave the country for a weekend. So I just didn't. I updated the game servers one last time and walked out the door. Said goodbye to Ma and Pa. They wouldn't even be home when I got back since they were spending the weekend in the mountains for Memorial Day weekend.

I met at the event runner's apartment. Pittsburgh is an interesting place since there are so many boroughs and townships within it. I think it has more than any other city in the US. Not by size, but by weird geographical and bureaucracies. So there are lots of parts of town I know well, but so many I've never set foot in. This was one of them. He lives on an apartment on a steep hill side in a pretty dense residential area. I drive a nice car, but it's a manual and I get stress on hills like that. He was able to meet me on the street and point me to a church's parking lot where I could park for the weekend. It was somehow also a steep hill. This city is going to stress me out to death.

Parked and ready to go, I loaded my orange Ikea bag into their SUV and held my shoulder bag and all its weeb/con pins close. Met with the other two people who would be joining us and the four of us absconded into the day. At least, we would have but the guy driving was parked painfully close to a small embankment in the driveway and didn't know it was there. He turned the wheel towards it and tried to move forward. Put a nice dent and scrape in the passenger side door while we yelled for him not to continue.

So for real, we loaded in and set onto the four hour drive to Niagara. I was still pretty troubled by the events of previous days but conversation with likeminded weeaboos put me at a sort of ease. We were to spend the night at Niagara as a staging spot as a sort of gift to ourselves before the long weekend.

We ate at an all-you-can-eat Asian restaurant. I ate all the sushi and Thai dishes they would provide. A few Japanese beers later, I was full and feeling fine. The Thai chickey nuggies set me over the limit and I was feeling even better.

The falls were lovely. I spent the whole time talking crudely and making awful jokes, likely ruining the other tourists' videos of the falls and fireworks displays. I realized at one point that I was doing that and felt bad again. But the people I was there with had such interesting insights, knowledge, and outlooks. They really helped me pull through on this one.

Next morning, we arrive in Toronto and do some shopping and lunch before arriving at the con. This would be the beginning of what I can only describe as a traffic and parking nightmare. Once settled, we found our booth and another con offered money to trade spots. We ended up in a kind of mediocre spot, as we usually do, but the guys seemed to believe it would be ok.

I spent the weekend talking to Canadians, trying to convince them to jump down across the border and join us in July. Other than them and my colleagues, I had the other con-runners at their own booths to keep us company. They are some of the most entertaining people ever. There was a con-runner dinner Saturday night where our show-lead got locked in conversation with another Pittsburgh local con head. I didn't know it at the time, but he was a well known, well loved figure. When he left, I drank the wine he left unfinished.

We settled back to the hotel and one of our crew was feeling very sick. They tried to sleep while the rest of us drank a weird Canadian version of Four Loko and drank the rest of the stuff we bought at LCBO earlier in the day. That was fun. I learned a lot about these people I'd been sharing company with and realized that I fit in so well when I want to.

The rest of the trip was pretty uneventful. We said our goodbyes to other con runners and left to eat one last lunch/dinner at a place leaving Toronto. A grungy but welcoming sort of alt-punk style restaurant. I ate more nachos there than I imagined I could fit. What a ride.

Now I'm home to this quiet house. I turned on Discord and Telegram. Caught up on messages, made peace with most friends, and things feel normal again. Normal as they can with still unfinished business still about. The water heater is purging water and Dad's dog's nervous condition keeps me hoping I can just relax soon.

I hope I can relax soon.

Did anyone else just feel the Earth move in place or did something really significant just happen? I mean, something I never thought would happen. The justice system trying to do justice is not something I'm very used to.

It's May. It's still May. This is my favorite month. When I was younger, it was the first taste of the end of a school year. Weather is prime; not quite hot yet but certainly not snowing. There was always a comfort to it. It's a cozy time.

In my 20s, I dated someone who hated May. It was a hard time for the family so I got to be quieter about it. Now, well into my 30s, it's again my favorite time of the year. Great weather ahead and things in this very moment are just lovely.

I got to enjoy it three times this year. Once in Japan, in April. Their weather is a bit ahead of what I've always been used to, and it was pretty much a comfortable, warm mid-spring I'd been wanting. Then when I got home, it was just getting there again. And the third time was after a brief heat wave, it's once again cool and nice out. This weather is to die for.

I'm sick with a cold and can't really be outside to enjoy that. Kind of sucks but hey, it is what it is.

I have no strong feelings in this moment. At least, I'm not trying to. Pretty nervous at life, anxious about upcoming stuff, and banging my head against a programming project I just can't overcome. Let's see where things take me.