Pneity

Hello hello. Been too long. In 2016, I went back to university to try to get a bachelor's degree for the purpose of moving to Japan. I said if I turned 35 in the US, I have failed. In 2018, I left an entry in this blog that talked about a trip to Japan with my buddy Nick. We took that trip and it was a trip of a lifetime. It was a legendary moment in my life. I hoped to go there and fall out of love with a place I'd never been. Instead, I cemented my feelings in place in a whole new way. I now love the place for what it is. The vibe of that city was something I was not prepared for. I came home renewed. The remainder of 2018 was tiring. Going into 2019, I took another trip. With Nick and some other friends. We toured the city again. I explored. I met locals and longtime friends I never get to see in person. By the end of 2019, I had my degree. The plan had begun and the clock began ticking. A new obstacle hit in early 2020. $40,000 of student loans kicked in but the US set a plan to freeze payments. My money went into savings instead. I moved back in with my parents and resumed a very rural life. I went a bit stir crazy and decided to buy a Japanese sports car with my savings. It's been two years frozen in time. It's now mid-May 2022. My new worries are purely with my parents. My dad is not necessarily in failing health but every week is a new health scare or concern. My mom is overworked in her age and I worry for her health just the same. Life is hard when you are poor and aging in the US. If I leave them, I could be away and lose them. If I leave them, they would no longer have my direct support to make it through.

So I turned 35 earlier this year. The fire is lit inside me. I've got to go. I have to live this life I've been chasing for years. Japan is open for workers willing and able to immigrate. The only thing holding me back that remains is that student debt, which is still on hold until later this year. I have enough in savings and with the value of my vehicles that it is practically handled. I've got to start making final plans but I just have to be strong enough to do it.

Ok, sure. So several hours after I posted my last entry (the first in years), worrying about my parents' health, my mom tested positive for COVID. Dad is just starting to feel sick, she was sick all weekend. Nothing too severe. But this sure does impact our lives. I kept my distance from mom as soon as she got sick. I feel fine. But I was around dad Saturday night. Not sure he was infected or even contagious yet. Who knows. Only a test could be sure.

Welp, there it is. I'll wait it out for the next few days. Probably not doing anything for the next two weeks. We all avoided this the whole pandemic. My soul had just started feeling that COVID was now endemic and while I still wear a mask and keep my vaccs up to date, I was starting to feel that sense of, "oh well, I can only be as careful as I can while everything around me returns to the old lax ways."

If I get sick, I'm gonna be so mad. If this is my last entry, it's because I died. And if I die, I'm blaming my country and countrymen not preventing it from getting this bad.

Another fun thing that happened since I stopped writing in here regularly: my job realigned its shifts and migrated to four days of ten hour shifts. I was the first up to choose. Last week of January 2021, I got to start two months of night shifts. At the end of that period, I told my manager how great it had been for me and he suggested I trade someone for the next two months so I could do it again. So I did. Then, at the end of the fourth month, he moved me to permanent nights. I have become a goblin. Midnight shifts for the whole beginning of the week every week.

Work had been horribly stressful the previous year. The company picked up a huge contract that tripled expectations on us phone technicians. This was at the same time we were hemorrhaging good technicians who did not want to be taken advantage. Management changes and further realigning of our teams helped our managers not realizing how dire things had gotten.

For the first year of this, me and another technician who had been here a long time ruled the nights. I would do a night alone, then he would start the next night and I had three days of comfort, knowing that if I got overwhelmed, he would pick up my slack and vice-versa. He left the department two months ago now. My job got way harder really fast. Wasn't the end of the world but it was a challenge. I was a hair away from some bad situations if I got a few down hospital systems at once.

So they moved two newbies to nights, together taking the place of my former colleague. One was very capable, seemed to learn on the fly and did really well. The other was sketchy at the best of times. I once asked him what steps he had done to fix a phone issue and he mentioned checking a bunch of parts totally unrelated to the phones. The more capable guy quit two weeks in, knowing he was being exploited. The second was fired two weeks after that.

So they are holding back this dam of bad talent in my department. Another new guy got put in place. He started nights tonight. Now I got slammed with a massive down system/research case. I knew it was going to take my focus. But I have this guy on my back. I check what's going on. He's been sitting on an email we received for 40 minutes.

Now, I told you all of that so I could tell you this: when I work these days, I am in a constant state of disbelief at how bad things can get. Expectations on me are so high that the stress levels are high, even when difficulty is very low. My nervous system is completely accustomed to being on high alert and will not shut off under any circumstance. Driving gives me anxiety. Hanging out with friends gives me anxiety. Imagining the next night of work is like a nightmare.

If I could break out of the work cycle for a month or two I could see myself coming back down but even if I took all the time off from work I could, it would not quite be enough. But even then, I'm not sure they can stand to have me gone.

If I quit my job, I lose medical insurance. With my weird health issues these days, I don't want to take that sort of chance. My mind is strained and I don't know what to do. I'm too stressed and anxious to relax and enjoy learning new skills or doing anything productive. I know nobody can help but I wish I could get help.

I try not to announce my plans in advance. Telling people my plans usually leads to me feeling fulfilled without doing anything, then I end up doing nothing. However, I have been building my life into a monolith for six years for a reason. It's something I'm passionate about and want to share. I want to tell people the process and the stories.

I am drafting a Facebook post. First time in four years I've tried posting on there. I plan to tell them what happened for the last few years. How I destroyed my mental and physical health so I could finish school. How I've been in a tailspin since but the destination is very, very close. I'm about to make this happen and I am going to tell the people who claim to care about me. I will be sure my bosses at work are not able to see it. But my coworkers will probably see it... I may have to make plans against that.

This will be the best draft I've ever written.