Pneity

It's my favorite month, and now for a whole new reason. No classes this summer. I'm taking things off because finances are gonna be hard soon and I need the mental break, too. It's time to get together my to-do list and put troubles behind me for a while. I haven't gotten the last semester grades in yet, but I'm actually concerned for poor grades. I hope I did enough to pass. I hope I did enough to continue on.

Today was Mother's Day. It's a day I never really go out of my way to celebrate, but I always at least acknowledge the day by calling or visiting Ma. It often times coincides with my Grandma's birthday, May 18th. That will be this Thursday. The family decided to do a get-together for her and have cake and ice cream. My Grandma lives with my aunt and uncle in what might be the most lovely place on the planet. A cute little house set back in the middle of some of the most peaceful woods I've ever been in. I grew up in those woods. My first dog is buried in those woods. She turns 98 this year. Here is her 90th birthday party: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GFbcFEahKk . Two years ago, she lost a son. My uncle. He died of cancer, and as normal during a family member's death, the entire family came together for the funeral. My grandma even came, despite her difficulty in getting around. I smiled so big when I saw her and I gave her a hug while she sat in her wheelchair. She pulled me tight and said something that still haunts me to this day. I'm embarrassed to say, it haunted me so much, the detail of what she said eludes me now. It was something to the effect of, "live a great life." Now, I've been afraid since I was a young kid of losing her. I've lost all my other grandparents, but she was always the one I was closest with and the one that would hit the hardest if I lost. I've feared for year. And during that funeral, I felt in my bones that this would be the last time I would see her. Well, today's events for Mother's Day prove to me that a feeling is just a feeling and that has no real meaning outside our own hearts. I got to see her again. She was too weak to get out of bed to come and see her visitors. We sang her happy birthday in her small room in the back of the house. She was awake, smiling big. She's nearly deaf. I'm not sure she could hear anything. The group left the room and my mom asked that I stay for a moment. I bent over and gave her a big hug. I said I loved her so many times in that brief 15 seconds. I'm not sure she heard me. But she did say it back. She confirmed what she's spent my whole life saying. She loves me and still, in that state, is still the same caring and wonderful person she's always been. I smiled and motioned to her several times in a loving manner while standing strangely in that room. My mom shouted to her ear that I was her baby boy, 31 years old. It's the only way she'd hear it. And she smiled and laughed a bit. My Grandma is withered and at the end of a long road. The last few years have taken a toll and the whole family is aware that these are likely her last days. My mom is facing it with such bravery, but fell to tears several times through today. While taking to her, I called her brave. She said she wasn't, crying more. I should have said it a hundred more times. My mom takes care of her almost every day, but I saw her once in two years and it was the kind of thing that'll haunt my memory until I'm in her position. I don't deal well with loss. I've become a cold, distant old man. I currently have plans to abandon my roots and my family entirely to leave on a strange adventure to become an ex-patriot in a country I have no friends or family. I don't deal well with loss and I'm making it way worse on myself and my family. Why do we do such awful things? I love you, Grandma. I want to tell you how much, but it'd take forever.

Everything I feared came true. My grandma passed away the morning of her birthday. From my aunt's account, she passed early in the morning on the 18th. 98 years is a long time, particularly for a person. She was extraordinary. I will miss her every remaining day of my life. This morning, I woke up around 9AM, got ready, and headed straight to ma and pa's house. I forgot to shave and realized with the humidity, I'd want to wear an undershirt. So at 9:20, I headed out properly. Purple Red Bull in belly, I arrived on time and we left for the funeral home as expected. My mom had made a big poster board with pictures of Grandma all through her life. All the time I have been alive, she was a slow-moving grey haired woman. Seeing her in these pictures, young and posing with the grandpa I never met was surreal. She never lost her smile, though. My dad had prepared some macaroni salad for after tomorrow's funeral dinner, and wanted to drop some off for my Aunt Mary before going to the funeral home. We stopped by there, and I didn't get out of the car to say hi. I was still in a slight stupor from the lack of sleep (I was out late with friends at the piano bar, celebrating a birthday the night before). I should have said hi and reminded her how much I love her. I don't do that enough. Either way, we headed straight out of there after dropping off the tasty goods. The funeral home was still quiet. Family was allowed a half hour before the doors formally opened. We all stood around in disbelief, greeting faces we hadn't seen in years. So many people I love dearly, aged in years as much as I have but with a great head start. Younger cousins and distant relatives came later. I caught up with so many people it was hard to believe. Everyone seemed to have forgotten how tall I was and I kept getting comments on it. Some things never change, I guess. I'll never be a proper adult in the family. I got to explain to a lot of family that I was back in school, still working, and staying super busy. With some, I took the time to explain that I was trying to move to Japan. Most folks were super supportive. Except Aunt Donna. Bless your soul. You were always so sweet, what happened? She, and everyone else, was so warm and inviting. I only live an hour away. Why do I feel so distant from family now? At any rate, the day was nice in the aspect that I got to see so many smiling faces. But the gloom of the day hung overhead. Storms boiled outside between humid bursts of heat. Trains passing by cut off all hearing for minutes at a time at this funeral home. I've been there so many times; to say goodbye to so much family. This one did not sit well in my heart. I've feared this day my entire life. I don't want to lose my Grandma Miller. But today, I had to say goodbye. I will have one final goodbye tomorrow morning before the casket is closed for good and we carry her to her grave. I'm a wreck inside, but I don't think I have the ability to cry from emotions anymore. I do feel guilty about that. I'm gonna miss you forever, Grandma. I love you more than I could have ever shown. You are the reason that the family is as wonderful as we are.