Pneity

Let's pick up from where we left off, yeah? So much has happened in my life in the last 15 months that it's kind of hard to summarize, but summarize I must because I've been too brain poisoned to actually write while it was all going down. I'm going to overlap some stories here, so I apologize. It'll give us a good bounce-off point to catch up on.

November 3rd, 2022, I lost my job. Hit me like a flash grenade, as a part of a mass layoff. I had some savings, unemployment benefits, and [redacted due to legal contract] so I could live comfortably for a while. Took me a few days to even see straight enough to realize that it was not the end of the world. I could keep alive and live comfortably while I gather my plan to sell my imported 1995 Toyota Levin, end my debts, and prepare to move to Japan. This was a gift.

About a week later, I went to a concert with some good friends. Get my mind off of things. Two days later, one of them would die unexpectedly. Put that whole friend group in a horrible spot for months. We miss him so much. He was one of the sweetest people I've ever met, and I'm sad I didn't get the chance many years sooner. Sorry, Ron.

Got to blow off some steam by being invited to help with the local anime convention's marketing by going to AnimeNYC to market the convention. In their gigantic convention hall, I get surprised by being placed directly across from my ex fiancée's table. The heart never stops breaking.

November 27th, a hailstorm came through my immediate area, causing damage to just about everything in the area. My parents' car insurance totaled their car. My insurance didn't cover my cars, because I didn't fully insure them. Who would give me anything for my classic-car imports? Mistake by me because even if the Acty survived with minimal problems, the Toyota looked like a golf ball.

Just before Christmas, I noticed my gums receded a lot. Got with a dentist, got a consult with a periodontist. Surgeries required. Expensive, extensive surgeries. Luckily, it wasn't anything terribly painful. Just lots of recovery and stress. And it drained my savings.

So those are the main events. The day to day was more of a low-hum. Just got by as long as I could until I was forced into a situation. I collected unemployment, even did a few job interviews. The one offer I received was from a larger company but they low-balled my salary and I didn't accept it. I was two days from gum surgery anyway; not a great time to pick up a new job. I wanted to start studying programming but couldn't build up the mental strength to do it.

I fell to depression very hard. I used the remainder of my savings to take the trip to Japan with the boys in April. That ended up being a beautiful time for my motivation. A beautiful time for my energy. I fought like hell to get something back. So what do you do in Tokyo when you have enough money to eat and care for yourself, and maybe a few nights of drinking? Well, you stay drunk near the entire trip. Lots of walking around the outskirts of Tokyo.

I did get to meet a European buddy I'd never met in person. That was mixed results but he's great and the places he showed me were once in a lifetime. An interesting LGBTQ+ bar in Shinjuku, an incredible English pub in Ueno where I made some of the wildest memories with random strangers I'll never get the pleasure of drinking with again. There was so much cool stuff I got to do. But it came with certain realizations.

I was going to go home and lose that spark. Near the end of the trip, I was watching the calendar move on its own. I knew I'd be going home to no job, no money, and mounting debts, and a broken ass car. Some of those things were about to resolve themselves, though. We were to fly out on Sunday evening. Friday morning, I woke up to a voicemail from a number I didn't have saved in my phone. The voicemail, it was my old manager. The voicemail didn't say much except he wanted to check up on me, see how things were. He said he would follow up with me at some point so this was a welcome thing. But with the 13 hour time difference, I wasn't going to be able to get back to him until late night.

I got really, really drunk and caught last train back to the booking on the outskirts of Tokyo. Grabbed two riceballs from the local 7-11i and sat down to enjoy some 1:30 AM TV. But then I realized, it was into business hours back home! Called back my old manager and he was short with the pleasantries. They wanted me back. Lots to think about, I'll call back Monday when I'm in a better spot to have that conversation.

So I pissed away the rest of the weekend with a heavy mind. Got home, got my old job back. Well, at least some semblance of my old job. No more night shifts. But it's the same operating job. Same pay, same prestige. New concerns and problems.

I got home, sold my car for 1/4 of what it was worth. Sat down in my new job and bought a more "normal" modern car so I could get around if needed without worrying if the Acty can make it. Settled back in, finished my last surgery. During that healing process, I uttered the words for the first time. "I won't be moving to Japan."

I'm in debt. My parents aren't doing well. I can't abandon my station here. I will carry on. Fight to the last.

Here's to you, the ghost who only lives in my past. The entity that became something so much more once free of my dreams. I am genuinely happy that things are working well for you.

Rest assured, if I didn't have such a great support structure of friends who have my back and if I didn't have the lifestyle that lets me do really cool shit all the time, there'd be nothing left of me. I will die alone, even if it's well beyond retirement age. I will never again know the company of someone who truly cares.

But did any of them ever really care?

I'm not sure if I should celebrate this moment of relative peace. My personal life has calmed down, a lot of the health concerns for myself and my family I've had, while they haven't gotten better, have not progressed and that feels nice after a year of stress and broken dreams. Even work has dialed back. We had a bit of a workers' revolt and were pressing management to provide us some help. It didn't go well, the director called our bluff and we were right back in the trenches. But somehow, it has gotten better anyway. I hope this keeps up. Either way, when I get back from Japan, a new job search awaits me.

The Japan trip marches closer and closer. My cousin Wade and I went out for a walk the other day. I told him to start walking to get ready for our trip where we walk literally everywhere. But I was not taking my own advice and haven't been out myself. Weather has been kind of bad anyway. But it's a recent wave of spring-like weather and he invited me for a walk on Monday. We walked for a bit over an hour all around my local town. It was refreshing and beautiful. I don't enjoy the walking but I do love the feeling you get from walking. I think that might be part of my love of walking around Tokyo. But nothing feels like Tokyo. That air hits different.

My smart watch says there's only 42 days left until we fly out. I ordered yen from the bank Monday and picked it up today. It's a lot of yen. Between me getting enough for two people along with the amazing exchange rate, I got a whole lot. I get to ball hard on vacation this year. And I'll have plenty left for my next trip. No trips to the international ATMs, too!

Today was my first actually mild work day in a while. Strange stuff came in all day but I wasn't stuck escalating every single call that came in. Watching my friend Horatio stream Helldivers 2 while I imagine coding the Madden bot. I even set up a new, very cheap computer (with some very, very "extra" upgrades) to do the job when the bot is ready to be fully automated.

Physically, I'm cold in this basement, covered in anxiety. Mentally, I'm in Tokyo enjoying an orange cassis with good people.

My job is strange in that, despite how good I am at it, I still seem to be constantly deficient. They are working us to the bone but I have recently said it was getting better. Today was the busiest day I've ever had. No stress, just work. Pure work. Hard work. Constant case updates and I was on "chat" duties. Usually, that's the easiest day we can get. Once every two weeks or so. But today? I was spinning multiple plates all day, got nothing done, and actually got more on my desk for tomorrow.

The big problem is recently made a conscious decision to fall to alcoholism. When a bad day hits, I choose to drink. I have never done this in my life due to having bad times. But it's happened a few times in the last few weeks. Tonight, the rum hit me wrong. I was looking forward to kicking back with some hobby programming. But nope. I hung in Discord with my friends, sulking and murmuring. This sucks.

I also think I'm sick. I don't really have sinuses anymore due to my body rejecting my septum flesh so my sinuses just feel dry and bad. I hope I feel better Saturday. For reasons.