So it's 2:30 AM and I'm in hell. I haven't died. I didn't even try. I'm still here. Things were awful when I left my last blog but things are somehow worse now. Over the last weeks, I thought I was minding myself. After recovering from COVID, I realized that my gums were receding. May have been because I moved to an electric toothbrush, may have been the illness. I reverted to normal toothbrush and regular mouthwash. Gum health is important. I spent my Christmas break worrying about my teeth but mitigating problems to prevent it from getting worse. I'm an Appalachian with gum disease, despite perfect care being followed.
So that got me through most of January. But the last week has been... wild. My dad got a call about two weeks ago from his doctor. The bladder cancer he had been treated for came back on testing, it's worse than they had believed it would be. He goes in for further testing tomorrow morning. Really, he leaves for further testing in about 4 hours.
I'm dreading the results of that. There are several events in my life that I will classify as the worst days of my life. Finding out dad is terminally ill or dead, finding out mom is terminally ill or dead, and finding out I'm terminally ill. I fear that one of those is right on the horizon. Dad is stressed but he's carrying on well. He got his last two teeth pulled last month and has been struggling by with mashed and ground, soft foods. I'm stressed. He's stressed. We are all very unhappy.
Mom is getting by. She's always stressed out. Just like me. She's in her 60s and works full time. There was a recent hail storm that total'd her car. She got a new one, I helped her pick it up since she still had to return the rental car. The rental was an Audi A5, which was super fun to drive. My parents got a new Kia Sorento. They like it but I'm not a fan. It smells like weed.
I'm kinda drunk, watching an Abroad in Japan video at nearly 3 AM. Once I sell my Toyota AE111 and fix my gums, I find a job in Japan. Then it's over for you bitches. I'm so sick of everything right now. I want nothing than to revisit and reimagine what I can be. Pennsylvania requires that I do a job search in order to qualify for unemployment benefits. I made a barebones resume with no frills or references and started "applying" to jobs. Got a call from someone who thought I could fit a position. He interviewed me. Second interviewed me on Tuesday and I killed each step of the process. If he offers me a job higher than my old job, I lose my unemployment benefits. Because I can't accept the position.
This video I'm watching reminds me that there's another world waiting for me. A world of overwork; a world of what will probably be a hellish existence. But it's a world I want. It's what I've decided to throw my remaining life at. The United States has nothing left for me. The places I'd find myself comfortable, I can't afford to live. The places I can afford to live are dreadfully dull. I want my life to be an adventure. It's time to find the adventure. Tomorrow, I settle these job refernces and call the dentist. And find out how much longer I get to enjoy the company of my dad. Fuck's sake, this has to be the low point of my life. It has to be.