Pneity

Happy birthday, Joey. Sorry I never call, but perhaps it's just that nobody seems to exist in my life anymore. All I can do these days is work and sleep. On weekends, I want nothing more than to spend every waking and sleeping moment with Sabrina, and I love that. But during the week, there's nothing. No friends, no comfort, no internet. My hobby was the internet. 4Chan anime, managing my craptastic website, and keeping up with internet technologies and other fun stuff like that. I miss it so much. At work, I can get online, but if they see me doing something other than drudging through servers looking for the latest "MORTGAGE YOUR PENIS BY SEVEN DRESS SIZES" scams in the email server, I get bitched at, then they give me seven more projects to have done by tomorrow. Meh. Weekends have been glorious, though. Pretty much spending the whole thing with Sabrina and her family. two weekends ago, she got her cousin Toni from West Virginia and that ruled. When we took her back, we did all sorts of fun stuff before heading back. Good times. Details are slim because I'm tired, and I haven't blogged in two weeks. Something is horribly wrong with my life right now, so I haven't had much drive to work on the blog. I tried formatting some PHP to make my database easier to update every monĂh, but I've had no luck. I just can't figure a way to make it all easy. I have no real web skills, but it's where my heart is. My heart is not in tech support and DNSing fiber networks. Everything I've seen lately has been a slap in my face to how I'll never have the life I want. Or the life where I don't get hit with the bukkake every morning when I wake up and drive an hour to work which brings me physical illness as I approach I hate it so much. Even the piddly hourly wage I make now goes flying into things that have no bearing on things I want, or things that keep me alive, or things that will pay off in the long run financially. My entire first full paycheck will be going into my car. The Tracker, which I don't even like. Meh. Last night, Sabrina and her sister and I decided to go to Tekkoshocon this year and discussed what we'd be cosplaying as. It's pretty funny. Sabrina and I will be going as Chii and Hideki from Chobits, and Cassie will be going as Selphie from Final Fantasy 8. The point of this whole thing is, we went through the Chobits manga and I got to pick what Sabrina's costume would be. I picked the cutest one, and if all goes according to plan, she'll be absolutely breathtaking if this outfit ends up being even half of a likeness of the original. I got to see her today before working night shift, and it was a surprise to her, so all the better. Though a short visit, I think it made her day. I look forward to this weekend. Even though they took away my Saturdays now. Life really gets in the way. I wish I could be back in school now. This crap sucks. At the rate I'm going, I'll never get to move out or have a car I like or a computer that doesn't beep at me or crash when I read a CD off of it. Bummer...

I slept in today, it was nice. After an unusually slow start in the morning, my dad and I set out to get tires on the Tracker. Yay. We went to Phil's around the corner, told him we needed tires, then pulled into the garage and they started working on it. I never knew his last name, but it turns out that I went to elementary school with his daughter. Interesting to see pictures of her all grown up in the office. Small world, eh? After tires, we went to Belle Vernon for my dad to pick some things up. I actually like how the Tracker feels to drive now. Whoa. Once we got back, I ate some pop tarts, then headed out to Rachel's to fix her computer. Trouble being, there was no mention of fixing the thing. They just said it needed a new ethernet cable so they could hook it up downstairs before I could fix it. Bummer. Almost a waste of a trip, but time with Rachel is nice. Indeed, it was a nice visit, if uneventful. She had to go to church, and I headed home. Once home, I spent some time on the internet, and got to thinking too much, then passed out watching my anime slideshow. I just keep thinking about how I'll never get started with my life. I saw a friend of mine from high school earlier, Keith, and we talked, and he was stunned that I was already graduated. He said that I was fortunate in the position I am, and he has 4 more years of school to do. I don't know, though. I could never make it on my own with how much I'm making. Never. I don't know what to do. I just want some guidance that I can actually feel good about. I feel like I have no idea what to do, and I'm sure not happy where I am. I woke up after this short nap to my dad asking if I wanted to eat. I did. I ate a lot, too. Stuffed chicken. Delicious. Afterwards, I priced a new PC, pretty bare bones system. It came out to $650. I'd have to work nearly a month to make that kind of money. And then, I'd have to not spend any of that money on anything else. Crap, I hate this. But Valentine's day is coming up. And I still don't know what I want to do for Sabrina. I'm just not feeling clever about it this year. I don't know. I'll figure something out. I always Ăeem to. But now, it's late. G'night.

Short update€‚: I hate work, I hate not being able to see Sabrina, I hate the weaknesses that come with total abstanance, I hate being broke, I hate having no friends to socialize with, and I hate having a car and having nowhere to go but work. There can be no happiness in life for someone in my position, I'll have to get comfortable now and save some pain.

Friday, what a weird day. And when I say weird, I don't really mean weird. I mean, usually good. And not because anything particularlly good happened, nothing particulary bad happened, either. I kept pretty busy at work up until the end of the day. My bosses weren't total douches, either. They kept their low toned insults to a minimum. But the day ended, thank god. I got to Sabrina's house that night, and spent a nice evening with her. Afterwards, I headed back home to get a good night's sleep before some Saturday 'training' session at work. They called it training, but it felt like physical labor. And I think my feeling was right. I ran ethernet cable all day at their biggest fiber based site. It was a long day, and I didn't get to eat until the end of the day. Most of the day was regrettable, but in the end, it was worth it. I still got to spend time with Sabrina, and we played Life with her little cousins. I bought 9 babies, had $300,000 of debt, and at one point, I had a nice salary. Har har. We got cut short by the late night, and her cousins left. We immediately went to sleep. The next day, we ate, and sulked for the rest of the night. I guess I haven't talked about this in my last few updates, but Sabrina recently got hooked on the show Lost. How appropriate that I got to see a few episodes of it. While, I didn't much care for it as a show, I did care for Hurley's back story with the "numbers" thing. That was pretty much freaking awesome. I hope that develops into an interesting story. But I probably will have to sit through a few more seasons of that show to figure it out. Dammit. Sunday night, I'm here back home, waiting for my clothes to finish drying so I can go to work tomorrow. I dread going back to work tomorrow. I illustratred that a bit too painfully to Sabrina earlier. I was so heartbroken by leaving there. I realized while talking to her the other night that I'm tired (I've ranted like this before, you know) of waiting. Everything I want is beyond my abilities at the time, beyond my resources at the time. Right now, I want a house, and some financial independence. I also want Sabrina to be happy, and be out of school with me, so we can live together. I'd also like a job I don't completely hate. I'm waiting for so much, looking at that. I'm waiting for Sabrina to graduate, waiting for a chance to leave work for a better paying opportunity, and waiting for a better financial situation. I'm completely powerless. In more irony, I got one of the things I wanted recently. A vehicle, but the joke's on me because I have nowhere to go now. Good night.