That last entry is hilarious to read now. There's always a way for things to get worse. There's always room to fall.
I went into the new year stressed out. I worked a busy on call Christmas Eve/Christmas and then the following weekend. The only day I really had off was New Year's Day. But I was sick, too. So it got so much worse as time went on. Lots of coughing and snot. I don't know what the illness was, I was just sick. And it hung on tight, too. I still have a lingering, horribly dry cough. But since I had covid a year ago, it's been kind of consistent anyway.
There's always room to fall.
After the first weekend of the new year, I was having trouble pushing through a "normal" work week. Work got busy. But the biggest bombshell hit that first Wednesday back. It came in casually through my work email in the early afternoon. The company is mandating a full return to office. No exceptions except those which were already in place for people's medical or financial concerns.
So my 40 hours a week is about to turn into 55 hours a week because I live an hour and a half from my office. My manager understands and seems upset that he knows he is going to lose me. He's right.
I'm about to quit my job. I hope I can find something better. I am behind on my finances already and nobody I know can afford to support me. Without health insurance, I'd be screwed. That's the kind of stuff that'd wreck the rest of my life.
I haven't been talking about it to my friends a lot. I have just had nervous illness for two weeks now waiting for the date at the beginning of February. But because I haven't told many friends, they invite me to do things. I didn't want to say why, I just said I didn't feel like going to the hockey game next week. That's my last truly free weekend. But they pressed me when I said I wasn't feeling it. They wanted to know if they could do anything. So I had to explain it.
They responded in the group chat with understanding, kind words. And job offers that are totally out of my expertise but they would be something I could do in the meantime if I got desperate.
But the conversation became more interesting than I was prepared for.
One of those friends is a kindred spirit of sorts. While we grew up very different, the core principles were the same. Rural, old-fashioned life with a general "do good" vibe. We both ended up being pretty eccentric and that's why we get along so well as we do.
I finally vocalized to this group that I think my problem is that I've lost the parts that make me, me. I lost my drive, my ability to cut loose, and I lost my whimsy. Nothing is free form anymore, nothing that comes out of me is interesting like it used to be. I'm a personality of rote memorization and reaction.
This friend I just set up in the story assured me that it's not lost, it's just temporarily not with me. I love the thought, but I don't know how to rebound to center. With the mounting stresses -- family aging, undiagnosed mental disorders, financial stability uncertain, no prospective love life, no prospective life freedom -- I don't think the "me" that makes me me will ever be back. But I want him back. I want to be certain he still has a place here.