Pneity

All that could happen in the last few weeks has. Looking back, I just think... holy freaking crap. That last week of school was hard in the end. Saying good bye for the last time ever. I could have never imagined it would be so hard. And I didn't think I was emotionally attached to pretty much anyone up there. Even saying good bye to teachers I didn't like was hard. But, I gained new respects for some people. Friday night, after saying goodbye, I got busy on packing my crap up. Disassembled desk, and two Dell boxes full of stuff before I dealt with the kitchen. I cleaned the whole kitchen, then decided to stay up all night with Cory and his friend Ty. He was cool. Cory and I went to get his computer and monitor, and when we got back, he was wrapped in my blue blanket, holding two butter knives, and wearing my fedora over his eyes. Freaking hilarious. A nice night when I wasn't busy. The snow made my parents delay coming up until Saturday morning. Saturday morning, my Aunt Karen and my mom came up and packed my stuff in her SUV. Full of crap, and we left a lot of it there. We took the important stuff like the desk and my computers. Heh. The time from moving in until Christmas was basically me taking it easy. Which was a bit of a mistake. Apparently, Sabrina was really wanting to see me. She got pretty upset at me at one point, when I forgot to come over to her house. I can be so dumb sometimes. But I don't mean to be a total ass. Anyway, we all went shopping (my family and Sabrina) at Century III mall. 'Twas fun. But the next day, I went to Uniontown to get Casey's gift only to find out that there is no western shop there anymore. I even got lost on some road that goes to Morgantown looking for the place. Christmas was nice. We had out celebration the night before because of my mother's strange work schedule. The next day, the whole family showed up, and we ate. I got to play with my brother's new iPod, and Sabrina and I spent a bit of time together that night. At some point I had an interview in Greentree. What a waste of time. I was apparently so unimpressive that they didn't call me back to even discuss the position like he said he would. A few days ago, I had another one. My mom guided me to Irwin (drove me, basically) where I had the most hellish interview. The guy sat me in a room with four computers and a server. I had to figure out the problem at each workstation. It took me the most painful 2 hours of my life. There were points where I said I knew I couldn't do it, but in the end, I figured them all out. He gave me a hint on the second one, though. He asked me some questions during the whole process that made me not only wonder about my future job prospects and the utter failure of my education, but also, my entire life structure. I realized one thing coming out of there. I hate myself and the world. Not to sound emo on you, but it's true. New year's is here, and Sabrina and I went to see Narnia last night. It was nice. Back to the whole thing about me hating my life, Sabrina and I got into a scuffle this morning, another painful experience, and I started to tell her about all of that. She couldn't handle the full brunt of it, though. Not that anyone should be able to. Holy crap. We made up after a time, and I showered. Afterwards, we got comfy and watched I Love The 90's on VH1 for a few hours before her mom called and asked her to come home. So now, I get my first few moments alone with my home network. I got my website working internally, and got my upstairs computer sharing a dialup connection wirelessly through ICS. That's fun. Now, this first entry of the new year isn't quite emo enough, so I'll leave with this: In the last month, I've changed a lot philosophically. A lot of my views on things were completely ignorant; but beyond that, a lot of things I believed where stupid and was just an excuse for me to believe that there is some amount of hope in the world. That has been lost. As a final note, I hope 2006 sucks less than 2005.

I woke up this morning earlier than I'd have liked, but it wasn't too bad because I've been waking up twice an hour each morning anyway. Sabrina called and asked me to fix some network trouble where her mom works. I agreed, but by the time they got around to getting me, they decided I wasn't needed. Rather than waste time, I had Sabrina come to get me so I could spend her last vacation day with her. It was a nice day, we took a small nap, then watched Cassie play Final Fantasy 7 for a while. Leet. I love FF7 so much. After that, Cassie hooked up her computer in her room, while Sabrina got ready to go back to school. Cassie owned some Linux games up while I watched and helped Sabrina (did I really?). She then took me home, where she gave my mom her late Christmas present, a fleece blanket. I freaking love these things, in fact, I have the one she gave me some time ago on my bed. Talk about comfy. A difficult goodbye, then she was off. My dad and I watched the end of the Fiesta Bowl, then the first half of the Sugar Bowl. Interesting games, they were. I looked up the directions to where I have my interview tomorrow, then got my pants ready for the morning. We can't wash clothes in the rain or the basement floods. How unforunate. But I get through, and those pants look like they've been washed. Har har. A toothbrush and an iron. Owned. After that, I played a bit of NĂverwinter Nights, then surfed the dialup for a while. Pimpin' dialup. For now, I'm winding down my day, anxiously awaiting tomorrow, as it will undoubtedly suck. Hard. I'm already sick of interviews. Where did this go wrong?

Today, I had my interview. But first, I was awoken by a call from a marine recruiter. Yeah, recruit a pacifist as soon as his life is about to take off. Nice. Anyway, afterwards, I got ready and headed off for my interview. I was pretty scatterbrained before learving home, forgetting pretty much everything, and remembering shortly after leaving, and coming back home to get it. I drove to Washington (PA), took forever to fnid a place to park, then went into the building I thought they might be in. I didn't have a company name, I was going by an address they gave me. It was easy to find. PulseNET, an internet service provider for dialup and high end fiber connections. Weird mix. But, the interview wnt really well. So well that they hired me on the spot. Trouble is, I know nothing about the position itself. We discussed no pay or hours. I feel so dumb, and now, I hope real hard that they end up whorthwhile. I don't want some crappy annoying position. But I digress, I blasted the new local radio station (BOB FM) on the way home. When I got home, I shared my good news, and felt dumb because of my lack of knowledge of the position I was just hired into. Anyway, I floated around my house for the next few hours, ate some delicious lima beans with bread. A traumatic event happened to me then that helped that whole "sinking feeling into my hope for humanity" return a little more. Casey invited me to go to our cousin's house to play DDR with her and her friends. So I took a 15 minute power nap while watching the Pitt game before leaving with her. I went there, and things were nice. I love DDR, and I miss playing it with friends up at school. Other than that, not a whole lot happened. I drove Casey's tracker home alone, and now, here I am, tired. G'night.

It didn't end up worthwhile. I get paid in bukkake, or something similar. On my first day on Thursday, I went through one miserable day only to find out I get paid less than a Wal Mart greeter. Fucking worthless for a 30 mile drive. But I digress. After that day of work, I felt that all that I learned went right over my head and that I had no hope of getting anywhere there. I cried on the way home. First time in over three years. Champagne High is a much deeper son to me now. Moreso than before, even. It's difficult to drive and cry at the same time. Anyway, I got home, and everyone was gone, as expected. My sister and dad took my mom out to a bar for her birthday. I sulked on the couch for a few hours and they got back. My dad lectured me about quitting there and moving on to bigger and better things, as if he somehow knew that the bigger better thing was out there waiting for me like my crappy ass Associate's degree is a magical key to a great paying job. Here's a tip: It's not. Anyway, I went off to bed and worried for about a half hour before going to sleep. I woke up this morning at 7 AM with the intention of going to work and quitting (on my second day). The management person talked to me for about an hour about all that is happening to their company, and why sticking around would be beneficial, and at the time, it sounded good. So I stuck around for the day. The biggest problem with these working days has been the fact that I can't eat breakfast anymore. Yesterday, I was served the perfect breakfast (eggs, sausage, homefries, and toast) and ate a sausage patty and was too ill to finish. I blamed nerves. Then this morning, I assumed I'd be there for 10 minutes, then I'd come home. so much for that. I left there around 5 PM. I got home, called Sabrina to invite her to music, then Rachel to tell her I'd be gĂing to music. Mistake number one. Sabrina has always had a problem with me associating with others specifically while she's around. She partitions herself from the group because that's just her shy personality. I can't blame her, but it makes things just about impossible for me. I feel so guilty to even talk to my friends. Anyway, music happened, and we played a bunch of Soul Calibur II. I pwned pretty hard, but I hate Gamecube controls in that game. they're nothing like the arcade and XBox versions. Sabrina drove us home, and she came in for a while. She declared after much prompting that she had a bad headache, was tired, and how she felt about the night. Abit poorly, as I didn't understand what she meant. She really takes things for the worst when I do things. Is it that impossible that my normally kind heart didn't shut down just because she feels distant from me around my friends? I'm being too harsh there, I suppose. We'll work things out because we're strong people. I go over her house tomorrow. Wish me luck.

It's been some time since I updated this thing. What a shame, right? Where to begin. Ah, yes. I went to Washington for that interview, a small dialup and highspeed wireless internet company called PulseNet. I was hired on the spot with little to no informaton about the job. The next day, I started. I got to sit in on the evening shift where they began to teach me about dialup tech support and they showed me their servers. My first impression was that the people were vague, but friendly, and the technology was old and filthy. Beyond that, it felt about the same. I was overwhelmed so much, it sucked. Even worse, they asked me to fix their DNS server, which I later found out was broken for about 4 months. It was too much for me to handle. I left there sad, despite the fact that I didn't get a parking ticket for parking in the street all day long. On the way home, I heard the song Champagne High and its lyrics, while completely unrelated to my woes, it moved me so deeply. Anyway, the next day, I went in with the intention of quitting, but was talked out of it. Which seems like a good idea, right? Stick with things, see how they really turn out? Well, after that, things got better. Much better. But then, I started taking calls, and moving farther away from anything I actually enjoyed. Progressively, it's been like that. The weekends are nice because I can actually get away from work and see Sabrina. Last weekend, it was mostly me going to Sabrina's house. This week, things were slow call wise, but Tuesday night, I had a guy bitch me out because I couldn't press a button from my desk and magically fix his rundll32.exe problem. Here's a clue. STOP SURFING PORN SITES WITH IE, DUDE! I hate tech support. Thursday, the climax of crap... well... climaxed into a stream of two hour chaos. The Email server went down at the same time a wireless client's DNS went down. The way people were acting during that scared me. I didn't like that at all. Later that day, I was sent to fix a local customer's computer, but instead of helping him, I was told to sell him a new network card, and install him (and of course, I was the one who had to tell him we'd be charging him for my services instead of doing it the easy way like I had told him I would do over the phone). Lucky for me, Sabrina came home on Thursday. I had told Chad that I would fix his aunt's computer, so I went with him and his friend Brady to do that. How was I paid for my services? A new computer and monitor. My first impression was, "Oh, joy, a crappy computer." But it had a Pentium 4 sticker on it. Then my impression was, "holy freaking crap, posting in a sticky." I got it home to see it needed a memory upgrade, but I had to go to Sabrina's. So I did, and I got to see half of the movie Wedding Crashers before I had to go pick my mom up from work. There was a lot of that this week. Waking up an hoĂr early to take my mom to Connellsville, what a pain, but it's the price I pay for not having my own vehicle. The next morning, I worked, and it was a day worth of backing up logfiles on the server. Awesome. I got home and spent the evening with Sabrina, and she even came with me to pick up my mom at work. I got home, after having a wonderful day, only to realize that fate had to pay me back for actually enjoying myself. I broke open my new PC only to see the terror and feel my heart break. I couldn't upgrade the RAM. I don't have any RIMM type ram. And not that I can afford it because a 256 stick of the stuff costs as much as 2 GB of normal ram. FUCK! What a freaking waste of a good computer. Anyway, I woke up Saturday morning, and got ready to celebrate. I got all snazzy'd up, too. Sabrina and I were to celebrate our two year anniversery by going out to eat for the first official time as a date. Har har. I bought a bouquet of roses (nothing great, just a thought to show her I love her), then headed to her house. When I got there, she wasn't even dressed. But her mom was excited to see that I was looking spiffy and had flowers. Sabrina loved them, from what she said, then got ready. And so began the best freaking day ever. No exaggeration there, either. It owned. She wore the skirt that I really liked. Now, I could try to describe the magnatude of that, but it wouldn't translate to you normal people. You see, lately, I've realized that I'm completely and totally obsessed with long skirts. To the point where seeing Sabrina in one removes all the crap and pain in my life. It's liberating. Unforunately for me, she also doesn't realize the magnatude of that. But anyway, I digress. She was beautiful, I was lookin' sharp. What matters is that we hung out for a while and watched Cassie (her sister) play Final Fantasy 8, then headed to Century III for Olive Garden. When we realized it would be an hour + wait, we decided to look for an alternative. But we didn't find one, so we waited the hour. I stood in a cramped hall with Sabrina for an hour, listening to people talk about the Steelers' superbowl chances. Which were undoubtably optimistic at the time, and for good reason. But then we got our table, and ate. Food was delicious, and for the first time ever, I had the money to eat real food at a restaurant. I painlessly paid for the food, and we left to go back to Sabrina's house. We took a small nap, and when we woke up, Sabrina got sad. Which in turn, made me sad. She didn't want to go back to school. She's apparently very miserable at the dorms. I don't see why she lets it get her down so much, but I guess that's just the type of person she is. I hope for her sake, and for mine, that she can make it through. I want her to be strong, and I know she can, but will she? I don't know... but I went back home that night. The next morning, I went with Chad to Allen's farm to prove to Mr. Allen that the apparition we found on the second VHS tape was real. We compared camera angles with him, and recorded a second video of the catwalk area. He was convinced. Convinced that we'd never be able to convince anyone that what we found was legit. Damn. I came home to watch the Steeler Game. And I did. They're going to the Superbowl for the first time in ten years. Wow. Afterwards, my sister went through old music CDs like Now 1 and Blackstreet. Eew. I played Final Fantasy 8. I broke down and installed Fedora on the P4 machine I just got, but it runs like crap, as expected. So, here I sit, surfing 4Chan on a dialup, thinking about how hopeless my life is right now. Damn, it's hopeless. I've got no hope at all. At all. I want to be with Sabrina, I want my own house and car, and I want fast internet to host my site and actually enjoy the internet again. I want it to be summer so I can go out and enjoy some fresh air and see Sabrina in sundresses. But instead, I work all this week. Thursday, I work night. Damnable luck. Good night, everyone.

"You see, lately, I've realized that I'm completely and totally obsessed with long skirts. To the point where seeing Sabrina in one removes all the crap and pain in my life. It's liberating. Unforunately for me, she also doesn't realize the magnatude of that."


Yep, I was right. I could prod to no end and get no reaction out of her on that subject. I guess that put me in a weird mood when I saw her today. But first, let's go back. This morning, I was more tired than usual, but I went off to work with no incident. Work sucked. The morning entirely consisted of finishing up a Win2k install and then that guilty type of down time. After which, my boss told me to do something (set up the administrative web interface of an APC power manager to send emails during outages), and I had no clue what he meant. A coworker and I deciphered his minimal instructions and got things done most of the way, and just in time to leave. And that we did. The ride home was uneventful, but I decided to stop off at Sabrina's house because she left her lint brush in my car. I rang the door bell, no answer. Went on to their deck, set the brush on the table and left. I saw nobody. I get home and am listening to music in the dark when I get a call from Sabrina telling me that her stepdad saw me on my way out and that she never went back to the dorms. Wow. I then went back to see her. It was a very nice visit, except for what I mentioned earlier. Before I went to Sabrina's, I was lamenting the world and my crummy situation right now. But mostly about the skirt thing. Go figure. Anyway, I prodded her to put on a skirt (she had wore one to school), but she didn't. I was right after all. I got out of that funk that put me in in about enough time to leave, but overall, it was an absolute joy to see her once more this week, and after a day of work. I got home, and it wasn't too long before I was back to Belle Vernon. This time, to Walmart to get my dad some Ice Cream and myself some CDs. I compiled all my old program installers, with some new ones, and burned them onto a new CD. That was an important backup, I must say. I ate some wings and ramen really fast using some new hot sauce my dad had got, which had a surprising amount of heat (or perhaps I'm just more sensitive after weeks of deprivation). I ate 'em up real quick, then headed out to pick my mom up from work. I got back, watched a few minutes of Jennifer Lopez on Leno (Disgusting), then went to bed, where I type this now. G'night. And my tomorrow be quick, so Spring can come sooner.

I guess I've finally managed it. I've been completely consumed by negativity. Good things no longer make me happy. I had a quiet day at work, but felt guilty all day. What I did all day: surfed Channel 9, installed Win2k on an old computer. During the day, I screwed up twice. First, I accidentally gave a customer the wrong information about a wireless internet subscription, ruining a sale. I'm not there to do freaking sales. Dammit. But I still felt horrible. Then, in my last ten minutes there, I got a call that was going to take a long time, so I pawned it off on a coworker before leaving in a hurry. I'm such a jerk. Coming home from work depresses me, too. ALl I get to thinking about after work is how much my wage sucks and how difficult it will be to get a car and move out. I've got computers on my mind so much, too. I want to buy some RAM for my server, but will never be able to actually afford it. I want to build a computer, because my laptop freaking sucks. It's randomly freezing now, I assume because of another hardware malfunction. Why does that not surprise me? Watch, I'll lose all my data now. That would kill me. Literally, I'd just die. I have nothing to do with my time any more. I can't afford my own hobby. I can't afford... Ănything. Go figure. I must have listened to "When In Rome" about twenty times today. I'm completely obsessed with it. I've got a serious problem with obsession. I hope I can overcome it, but I don't want to. I just want to be satisfied. Meh. This entry is repeating itself, so I'll end it here. I need sleep anyway.

Well, I haven't written in a while. Wednesday was a pretty uneventful day of work. (This was probably Tuesday morning:) Before work, I pulled into the parking lot of the church where I park, but I didn't turn. I was sliding on a solid sheet of ice. After gaining my control again, I backed up and made it in fine, but the guy behind me probably thought I was on drugs. I had made plans to go and see Rachel. So, when I got home from work, my dad asked me to take him to Walmart, so I did. I got him back pretty quick, then headed out to Rachel's. We had a great visit, consisting of Soul Calibur 2 and DDR. We talked a lot, too. Just catching up on old times, mostly. I never get to see her anymore, and it makes me sad. I'm sort of torn in pieces these days as to how I should spend my time. She seemed to read my situation better than I had ever imagined. Though, she figured Sabrina didn't like her. I don't entirely understand Sabrina's mentality, but I'm sure she doesn't hate her. I think it's just a strange reflex of Sabrina's to distance herself from those who are close to me. As displayed every time I'm with Rachel and Sabrina at the same time. I love time spent with both of them... but together, I'm miserable. It's rough. Anyway... I left there pretty late, in time to pick my mom up from work (handy that Rachel lives about half way to my mom's workplace from my house). I picked her up then went to sleep. Thursday morning sucked, I woke up earlier than I expected, and at my own expense. My sister thought the way I was sleeping with my legs in the air was funny, and wanted to take a picture of it on her new camera phone. Lucky for me, I moved from that position and woke up before she got the picture taken. Anyway, crappy morning, but I went to work for the night shift. Then the bomb dropped. They told me they were ready to move me from my lower position and train me in the heavier stuff. Fun. I hope. The bad news being that I get to have Wednesdays off at expense of my Saturdays. Every other Saturday, that is. Shit shit shit shit shit. I really hate writing like that, but what a rip off. I guess everything has to be taken from a person before they can excel to any higher point. Life sucks. Anyway, before the Dashboard starts playing and I start cutting myself (lol), I'll get back to my point. Everyone left the office early, and I was left alone with a large list of things to do. Just in time for my other boss to arrive and inform me exactly what he wants me to do in the coming weeks. He gave me his list, and I told him I'd take care of what I can. I got to install a 200 GB hard drive that night, and a nice DVDR drive. Freaking awesome. I also got paid with my first full paycheck. Pretty nice for someone who has never had that much money at one time (that didn't have a predestined purpose). Now, if only I could find the bank on a day it's open. After that rough night, I went home a broken man. The next morning, things were pretty slow, but I had a lot of things to keep me busy. And they did. After work, I drove to Sabrina's, where nobody was home. So I went home, and hung out a bit. Sabrina called me a bit afterwards (she had gone to Morgantown to get her cousin, Toni), and so began my nice weekend. She picked me up, and I went over her house to see her, Toni, and Cassie. We had so much fun, I stayed the night. We tried watching Shaolin Soccer, but everyone fell asleep. The next morning (Saturday), during breakfast, my sister called Sabrina's cell phone to inform me that I could either get a new car, or I could buy her Tracker from her soĂshe could get a new car. I went for the Tracker. I hope it works out for me, but I'm really excited. Afterwards, I went home to shower and freshen up, then went right back out with them. They had plans to go to the 'cheap seats,' a local movie theatre that plays slightly older movies for really cheap admission prices. Freaking awesome. So, we went to see the new Zorro movie, which owned, and Grandma's Boy. I must say, I have a new favorite movie in Grandma's Boy. If you're reading this, stop now, and go see that movie. Unless, of course, you're easily disguted. It's a highly funny nerd movie, but really crude. Also, between movies, we smuggled Taco Bell into the movie. It was delicious. We tried watching Shaolin Soccer when we got back to Sabrina's, but for the second time, everyone fell asleep (except me, because I actually like the movie). Anyway, the next morning, we all ate some french toast, then headed out for Morgantown to take Toni back. I felt bad that Cassie couldn't come. She's awesome, but got forced into babysitting by her mom. Which was very thoughtless and rude. But, for those of us who did go, it was good fun. We photographed a rainbow, and complained about the weather. We visited where Toni works (so she could pick up her schedule and paycheck), then Barnes and Noble, where they got a few books. I couldn't get over how awesome the highways in West Virginia were. Holy freaking crap. And the speed limit was 70. I wish highway 70 was like that, since I drive on it every day now. We dropped Toni off, ate some chicken quesidillas, then loaded Sabrina's car with old dishware and pots and pans for her mom, then left. I was driving, as Sabrina was tired and not feeling very well. West Virginia's backroads suck. And we got lost, which got me frustrated. But, saying goodbye to Sabrina for the week was really difficult tonight. She hates school and the dorms, and it's all a pretty hopeless situation. Something needs to happen for her. Now, I'm home. I got my mp3 CD player working again, so I can have tunes for the ride to and from work in the Tracker (it has no CD player, but thanks to Rachel's kindness, I have a cassette adapter). That was my week's end and my weekend. Now, I start again.